Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Problem solving on a Spiral

I worked out today.  I haven't been able to type that in about 3 weeks.  I have gone for runs in the past 3 weeks.  Some of them were even challenging, hilly trail runs, but I have not gone to my class and had my butt kicked in a workout in 3 weeks.  Today I did just that.  I started thinking about how over the last 3 weeks it got easier and easier to not go to class.  I fretted about missing the first one, the second one kind of bothered me, but after a while it really was easier not to go.  It was one less thing on my to-do list.  I mean I like to work out, but with my husband gone for the 8th week in a row I was just finding it easier to not go. I justified it by the fact that I was still running 1-3 times a week, but I know it isn't the same. 

I have two main points ideas I wanted to share today.  One of the ideas is the spiral effect I was feeling and the other is what happened when I stopped making an excuse for not going and started asking myself questions about it and evaluating the options (I actually really like working out, but I was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed).

So first - the spiral effect.  I was thinking about my health and fitness and how I would plot it on a graph.  I decided I could not effectively plot on a traditional graph.  My mental image of my health and fitness commitment as it relates to my life right now is more of  a vertical spiral.  It is very easy for me to stop making good choices and slip back down the spiral.  The downward spin seems to pick up its own momentum and the thought of stopping the spin becomes overwhelming.  When I do finally decide to do something different it takes a lot of strength and teeth gritting.  I put the brakes on the spin and stop the momentum AND then I have to start the work of climbing back up the spiral. Health and fitness in my world have always been work.  It doesn't mean I don't enjoy them, but it is always on a slippery slope.  I don't feel like I have ever found a way to reduce the spin.

The more I thought about the spiral the more I found it applies to my sobriety as well.  If drinking starts the downward spin then again strength, white-knuckling, teeth gritting all help to stop the spin.  Stopping the spin is just the beginning though - I still have to plod my way back up the spiral. It takes work and vigilance.  Right now the spiral is very vertical.  If I mis-step I am likely sliding backwards.  I don't have the luxury of a rest right now.  I have to do the work everyday so that I do not slip.

My second epiphany (if you will) had to do with actually thinking about what the issue is when it came to my workouts and problem solving.  Here is what I know/knew: I like to workout.  I feel good when I workout.  Currently I am mentally tired from 2 months of solo parenting. I am physically tired from going in 8 directions. I have workout time options available - I do not always have to go at 5am. I feel like something is missing from my life (spiritually, physically, emotionally - I don't know - just some weird, nebulous missing thing). In the end I decided to switch to a 6am class for the next 5 weeks.  6am is much more do-able than 5am, but usually my morning routine doesn't allow for 6am. Kids and work dictate an earlier class. Well, this morning my kid was late to school and I was a little late to work today, but the world didn't end.  My husband will be home tomorrow so he can step in and help with the morning routines and I can honor this commitment to myself.  That was it - problem is solved for the next 5 weeks.  My classes will be on hiatus from 12/23 - 1/6 so really the next 7 weeks I don't have to worry.  As for January 7, well, I'll have to see where I am at that point, but right now, today, I am filling in a little bit of what is missing and I am feeling better.

My visual that I explained earlier about the spiral?  A vertical spiral is something that is always challenging. It means I must be moving forward all the time.  My goal is to flatten out my vertical spirals bit by bit.  I need to use tools (hammers? for flattening? surprise! a metaphor) so that the spiral is not so steep.  By doing this I make it easier for myself to succeed.  I can succeed on a steep spiral - but constantly working hard just to inch forward is not fun nor is it a good long term solution. 

Right now my goal is to start evaluating my spirals and figuring out what needs attention.  I am not ready to address everything right now, all at once, but I am ready to start having the conversations with myself.  Hope doesn't stop a spin - action does.

I think that is all I have today - my brain hurts from all this stretching.  Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone else anyway, but it makes sense to me and that's the whole reason I'm here!