Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Is this the Pink Cloud I have heard about?

This is that annoying post of me talking about how I don't even want to drink right now.  Really, I don't.  I find that I have not even been thinking about it or missing it in the evenings.  I still worry about how I am going to get through some occasions.  The big one that seems to be stuck in my mind is New Years Eve.  I think my issue is that I don't really want to share my sobriety right now.  It is kind of like a private little secret I have and I just don't want to go in to with other people.  Honestly, I feel so damn exhausted all the time that the thought of picking through my brain to discuss my drinking just wears me out even more.  I will stop worrying abut New Years Eve now, it doesn't do me any good.  I  will figure it out as it gets closer.

So...my original thought/point with this post is that I am kind of surprised that I have not been thinking about booze much.  It is amazing how different my mind set it is compared to just a few weeks ago.  I don't feel like I am white knuckling or just getting by.  I can truly see myself not drinking again ever.  It doesn't seem so unattainable anymore.  Maybe this is the "pink cloud" I have heard about.  Well, if it is I will enjoy the ride, but be cautious about feeling to secure in my journey.

Monday, July 29, 2013

85% of the time (Day 22!)

When I was drinking I was afraid to stop because I kept thinking that I would miss out on all the fun.  Apparently that was a good enough reason to keep up with such a destructive behavior for far too long.  I still believed it even a few days, maybe a week in to sobriety. Week 2 I don't think I really thought about it much as I was just too busy trying to sort out the one thousand or so feelings I was having or I was asleep (constantly tired).  The weekends have always been the hardest for me as I entered my 3rd weekend I was  bit nervous that I would slip up.  I was nervous that I would be so bored because I was missing out on all the "fun" that I would drink again and then things would magically be more fun.  So, I started thinking about all the things that I like to do that are fun and whether drinking makes them better.  Here is my list and my answers:

  • Trail Running, nope - drinking makes it more difficult actually
  • SUP, no way!
  • Mountain Biking - impossible
  • movies with my kiddies, drinking doesn't make it better it just makes me fall asleep
  • Hardcore gymworkouts - drinking no! and a hangover makes it suck ass
  • Reading a book - okay, maybe a drink is nice with this BUT it does not make it better
  • Boating/Rafting - well, like reading it could be enjoyable, but it doesn't make it better
  • Traveling/Exploring - no, not really
  • Gardening - duh no
  • Spending time with friends, talking and hanging out.  This one is interesting, I feel like I am conditioned to automatically think drinking makes this more fun/better, but I really don't think it adds to the good times. It maybe can be considered a component of the "good times" but I won't be missing out on the spending time with my friends if I choose to do it without drinking.
Well, I know I do other things for fun, but this is what comes to mind, but in just a quick few minutes it is clear to me that the things I think are fun are not drinking related things at all.  There will be times that we are socializing and it is more of a drinking event.  I'm thinking around the holidays, maybe camping etc, but 85% of what I do does not include drinking.  I am going to focus on the fact that the 85% of my "fun" will actually improve without drinking.  I will figure out how to get through the 15% as I get more tools in my belt.  Hopefully, as I have learned so far, the fact that I am not drinking seems to only be a big deal to me and I won't have to go in to all of the reasons for it at that time OR who knows, maybe I'll be ready to share it by then.  At this point I have a long list of fun things to do so I am going to get started!
-

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Water = Booze?

Today is 21 days. This is about the time I drank last time. That was a year and a half ago and when I quit then I wasn't really quitting forever, just taking a break. I knew I drank too much, but it wasn't a big problem for me. So now, looking at the 21 day mark it is feeling like uncharted territory. I haven't been here yet, well at least since I stopped nursing my youngest kid. I am proud of myself and relieved that I am ready to just keep saying no. I haven't felt my resolve waiver yet. 

Yesterday I spent the day on the river with my brother in law and his wife plus a few of our kiddies and their friends.  BIL brought beer and a few drinks for his wife. We floated for a while and then ran in to other folks we know and hung out on the beach. I was offered beer at least 4 times. Coors light? Bud light? Mikes hard lemonade? Do you just want a sip? Here can you hold my beer for a minute? I have always joked that I'd rather drink water than Coors or Bud and I guess it's true! Although I wasn't tempted anyway so it really wouldn't have mattered what it was. I didn't need it. It wouldn't have made the day better. Still it was so interesting how often it was offered. I haven't told anyone that I am not drinking so they weren't being malicious in any way. They were just being nice and doing what you do on the river. I have been around my BIL and SIL quite a few times lately where I have turned down drinks so I am kind of waiting for them to ask me about it.

I find it so interesting how much being on the water is associated with drinking. It almost seems like a given. Hanging out poolside, rafting (floating, not whitwater!), going to the lake/river for the day, boating, going on a cruise all seem to be reasons to drink and in a lot of cases to excess. They just go hand in hand. I hadn't realized how much the 2 are intertwined until the last few weeks. The times when I have been most surrounded by alcohol have been during or right after days spent on the water. It must be a vacation mentality.

I am riding high - enjoying being sober and enjoying being present on and off the water.


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Solo journey

My hubs left today. We had a 180 degree career change for him about 1 year ago. We closed our business, filed for bankruptcy protection and then set about figuring out the next stage. I have always worked outside our business, so I just kept on trucking. Well, if trucking means drinking myself silly most nights so I didn't have to think about the fact that we had lost so much in the bankruptcy and our troll of a landlord was now sueing us. Yes, just trucking right along there.
So, now at present day he is going to school out of state. He has school for about 1 month every 3 months or so and then he goes out to sea for anywhere from 3 - 5 weeks. He is a Merchant Marine. Life on the high seas, adventure around every corner, ahoy captain. Yep, all that Popeye weirdness. So, we went from us being home ALL the time, working together to parent and run our house to me, flying solo for weeks or months at a time. While he is in school he will be gone about 8-10 months out of the year, but once he is done he should only be gone 6-8 months. The goal is that I can eventually quit my job and do something more heartfelt or do nothing for a while - either way works!
My point (before I decided to tell you my life story) is that this is the first time in this process that I have been actively working towards being sober. The first time he left I made it about 6 days. I am at 18 days today and feeling a bit more settled in to the do's and don'ts so I am going to be really working hard to put myself in positive situations, making thoughtful choices and putting myself and my 100 days first.
 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Going along going along (day 18)

I'm still at it!

Whine time - I am so tired of being wiped out tired all the time.  I feel like I just need to sleep all the time.  I'm not sure what the deal is with this and how long it will last, but it is making me nuts!  I feel like a lazy sloth!

The other "side effect" I am experiencing lately may or may not be related to being sober.  I have found lately that I am incredibly sore after my workouts 3x a week.  I haven't been this sore since probably a year ago when I started this gym.  I was sore from my workout Thursday and had just started really recovering just to workout hard again on Monday and Tuesday.  My legs feel like they are so stiff all the time.  I am not sure if this has to do with a physical chemistry change or if I am perhaps working out harder because I am not chronically hungover.  I mean it is good to be sore, but this is ridiculous!

I am thinking about booze a bit less these.  I feel like during the first week or two staying sober consumed me.  I was reading blogs, reading books, listening to The Bubble Hour, checking with BFB.  I am still doing a lot of those things.  Sometimes I thought that with all of the sober input I was seeking that I was afraid I wouldn't have time to do anything else.  It seemed to be my whole world.  I have noticed over the past 3 or 4 days that it has begun to subside just a bit. I am still doing these things, but not in an all consuming way.  It is nice too because I find I am not always thinking about booze and drinking or thinking about not drinking.  Sometimes I find myself just living life...just going along going along.  I am just making dinner or watching a movie with the family or reading a magazine and I realize I am not thinking about booze.  It is not constant, but it happens occasionally and it is like a little glimpse of what it could be like when I find a normal balance of dealing with this issue.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Observations

Observations while not drinking
  • I am more okay with it if I screw up.  I feel like I can make mistakes and be okay with it.  I don't feel like I have to be perfect all the time.  When I am drinking and something is messed up I wonder "is it because I am drinking/drank last night/ am hungover".
  • I can share my drinks with my kids - tonic and lemonade, pellegrino
  • My skin continues to improve.  Red splotches that I had on my face are fading.  My feet (I know weird) are healthier - less dry.
  • I care more about what I look like.  I mean I feel like I look better and I am enjoying that aspect and want it to continue.  I may take a few extra minutes on my hair or make sure I have lipstick on, shave my legs :) . I don't feel like I am being vain, just kind of checked back in to taking care of myself
  • I am still tired at weird times.  Yesterday I was exhausted from 2-5.  Today, I am fine.  Same amount of sleep, almost exactly the same food choices.  Just kind of up and down as I move through detoxing
  • I am proud of myself
  • I am scared of how this turns out
  • I am hopeful
  • I am nicer to myself - kind of goes back to the first observation.  I cut myself some slack.  I listen to my bodies needs. (NOT my occaional drink cravings)
  • I am more present.  That sounds so cliche and I think EVERYONE says it, but it is true.  I feel more connected to the good and to the bad.
  • I feel more empathetic
That is it for now.  I think I am writing these down so that I can re-read them over the weekend.  Weekends seem to be tougher for me and I need a reminder that this is a positive direction, even if I'm bored, annoyed, celebrating, tired or whatever.  It is better to be in those headspaces sober than boozing.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Surfing!

I have been reading a ton about drinking, blogs and books and the Booze Free Brigade feed.  I have also been listening to The Bubble Hour.  There is so much good information out there.  I think about how much easier it must be to get sober now with all these options.  Easy and get sober in the same sentence - yea, right! I guess what I mean to say is that we are fortunate to have so many resources available.

While I am filling my non-hungover, getting sharper by the day, sweet little brain with all kinds of info I am also realizing how scary it is.  I feel really good and really confident at Day 11, like I could really see this working out for me as far as a booze free life.  Then I read about folks that went 30 days, 11 months, 4 years (!) and started drinking again.  It scares the crap out of me.  Is there ever a time when you get to not be vigilant?  Is it ever just over?  Is it always so much work?  Is a relapse a result of it not being work anymore?  Is that what happens when we get complacent in sobriety?

So, these thoughts run through my mind... alot. I hate being afraid, but I am glad to be aware.  I've decided to treat it like surfing.  I love surfing and being on the water.  It is an amazing feeling.  With that feeling though I have to always be aware of what is around me.  Surfers can never turn their backs on the ocean.  Plus you have to be aware of the other dangers, rocks, shallow areas, critters with big giant teeth and jaws.  But even with all those challenges it is worth the risk.   Yes, it is scary.  Yes, people who have gone before me haven't always succeeded. Yes, I will get tumbled around and not know which way is up for a minute. But, when I am up and I am surfing - there is no other feeling like it in the world!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Booze Killer

I am so tired. I mean like crazy tired.  I have zero motivation to do anything.  This is not my usual state of being. After work last night I went home and pretty much lounged until I went to bed at 10.  No gym today so I slept in til 6:30.  Eight and a half hours should be enough sleep, but I seriously felt like I could just keep going. Ug. Not a fan of this part of the detox.  I mean, I am assuming this is part of the detox.  I feel lazy and just kind of tuned out.

Here is my theory.  From what I understand alcohol acts as a depressent.  When you are up drinking in the evening til 11 or 12 and then fall sleep (pass out) and suddenly wake up at 3ish with anxiety and can't sleep it is because the alcohol and its depressent effects have worn off.  So to use a car analogy (I have no idea why this is the analogy that I am choosing, but lets go with it and see how this plays out) When I drink it feeds the engine and causes my body to go from a regular idle to a higher rpm idle. It isn't apparent, I'm not buzzing around the house, I am just operating "normally" with an internal higher rpm.  This is just how my system functions with the addition of alcohol. My body is so used to "revving up"  all of the time to keep up with the booze that when the booze wears off the body is still revving - thus the 3am wake up call. Maybe I have been "revving" for so long that now that the alcohol is really getting out of my system it is like the car has been shut completely off.  I don't seem to have a normal idle anymore.

Oh - and on a totally unrelated note - Saturday night, after I went paddling and out to dinner with a close friend I was driving home.  It was about 10pm.  I was thinking how nice it was to not be worried about if the glass of wine or 2 would be enough to get me arrested for a DUI if I were to get stopped for some reason.  I could just drive and not worry.  Right about then a loud motorcycle passes me.  It was the Harley type.  The guy driving it had on the standard leather vest with the "club" name on the back.  The name? Booze Killers - established 1946.  I am not a big believer in signs, but I had to admit nothing like a Booze Killer on Harley on  a Saturday night to answer the question of whether I am doing the right thing.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Sometimes nothing is something

So, my entire family is out of town from Sunday to Wednesday this week which leaves me on my own. This easily could have been a 4 day bingefest - work be damned! I'd muscle through each day with a raging hangover, but it would all be worth it because I could drink myself in to oblivion each night.  I could fall asleep on the couch (clearly it must be more comfortable than the couch based on how many nights I end up there). I could watch crap TV.  I could make bad food choices and not care (til the next morning). I could basically just completly waste any free time I had by just having my own solo crapfood, shitty tv boozefest!  Wow. that.is.sad. SAD.  I know that I very easily could have done that BUT I didn't.  It is Tuesday, tonight is my last night solo and I have not had nor do I intend to have said boozefest.

I did however, stay home from work yesterday. I have never ever allowed myself to stay hom from work due to alcohol or a hangover. My thought was always that the pain was self-inflicted so I needed to suck it up and take care of my responsibilities. I have never missed a trail run, mountain bike day, day of work or any other obligation due to my drinking...at least not physically. I am sure mentally and/or emotionally I was far from being in attendance. But I think since I denied myself the sad, solo boozefest I felt as if I deserved something.  I  was really feeling a strong need to just be alone.  Truth be told - I was also just really, really tired.  Tired for no reason, but just literally felt exhausted mentally and physically.  I am trying to take care of myself right now and just be okay with whatever my body needs, rest, sugar, whatever.  Of course there is a balance too as I tend to err on the side of self-indulgence.  What I need to practice right now is mindful indulgence.  I need to be nice to myself.

Tonight I have nothing planned and I am looking forward to it.

Thankful to be on Day 9

Monday, July 15, 2013

Wish I could skip ahead

Last April I stopped drinking for about 3 weeks. That was the first time in many many years I had gone that long and unfortunately I haven't done it since. I remember feeling good. I don't remember why I started drinking again. I think when I stopped then I wasn't really thinking of it on a long term basis, I was just thinking I should give it a rest. Today marks 8 days sober. I made it through the weekend and I have made it through 2 days of being home all by myself. In the past time home by myself has been a good enough reason to have drinks. I wouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. This time it is a good time for me to sleep, read and heal. I am just taking time away from the world and just being. I am watching mindless tv, reading mindless crap, checking in on sober blogs and Booze Free Brigade, reading "Drinking, a Love Story" I have no desire to be social. I just feel kind of blah and tired. I am just really grateful for the solitude right now.
 I just want a quick fix, answer all the questions right, take this pill - poof your over it kind of deal. It doesn't work that way though. I only get rewarded for my sobriety 1 day at a time. I cannot earn bonus time for good behavior. I can only get to 100 days sober by being sober for 100 days. There are no shortcuts.

Cheers to another non-hungover morning tomorrow!


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Things I notice when I'm not drinking- random list
-my skin is softer. I guess when I'm drinking I must be chronically dehydrated because within a few days I notice a definite improvement
-I seem to be more tired, but it is a real kind of tired and not hungover, bleary tired
-puffiness is going away. My face looks less puffy, but even my ankles and legs look better.
-I feel like I am more aware of what is going on around me - good and bad
-I am planning things in the evenings and not just wanting to come home and veg out with cocktails
-I'm a bit bored. I didn't realize that I was bored when I was buzzed. I need to get some more hobbies
-my feelings are closer to the surface. I get happy, sad and angry quicker
-my right side "liver" or whatever it is pain is lessening 
-my eyes are clearer

Friday, July 12, 2013

I Need Space

Wow there is a lot of booze around me! 

After work last night we went boating with some friends.  Just barely get on the boat and of course the first question is "can I get you a drink?" Of course they are just being nice and they have no idea that I am not drinking right now (or maybe ever, but lets not get carried away here), but it's interesting that an alcohol offer is a sign of welcome.  I enjoyed the time on the boat.  I watched my son go tubing for the first time and just relaxed and chatted.  Everyone, but me of course, had a few beers.  Then we stopped and had dinner on the river.  I stuck with water while the rest of the folks had beer or rum drinks.  I did mention that I was avoiding alcohol as a means to drop a few pounds, but then my chicken tacos and onion rings might have blown my cover!

I am probably not being as completly honest with my hubs as I should be.  I haven't said to him each time I have stopped drinking "that's it - I am not drinking." I just kind of stop.  He notices, but it isn't really a big deal to him.  He noticed last Sunday when I made myself a boozy drink at home.  He also noticed when we were on vacation 2 weeks back that I didn't drink.  I think he still see's it as me cutting back.  Controlling it more.  In my head I know it is more than that.  This fact was made clear last night when I asked him if he brought my drink stuff.  I had asked him to bring me some lemonade and tonic water to drink while boating.  I know, weird, but I like it.  He had forgotten, but then he said all proud - "but I did bring a Mike's hard cherry lemonade" big smile.  Um. oh. right. I'll just have some water. It wasn't that big a deal that he forgot my drink, but it was interesting that he brought me booze that I didn't ask for.  This takes me to a dangerous place in mind - "well, if he doesn't think I really have a problem and actually brings me booze then maybe I'm not as bad as I thought.  I mean we do live together, he sees all the drinking I do. He would know if it was really bad".  Did you hear that noise?  It was the sound the record player makes when someone grabs the needle, drags it across the record and stops the music followed by silence.  I know, it is exactly that kind of thinking that I cannot afford right now.  The truth is he has NO IDEA what is happening in my brain when the alcohol hits it.  I don't even know what is happening.  I just know I cannot let anyone's, even my dear loving hubs, opinions determine whether I have an issue.  Right now, I have an issue.  I need some space from the booze for a while.  Easy as that.  Problem or not I need space.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Just so normal - day 4

Last night was so...normal...it was weird. I am not having any strong cravings right now.  I am really glad for that.  Maybe it helped that I cut back a fair amount in June.

Came home from work to the hubs and 1 kiddie (older kiddie is on vacay with her Grandmother). They were just hanging out dinking around the house.  We chatted a while about our day.  Talked about making dinner, made dinner, talked about walking the dogs but watched TV instead.  I feel pretty tired these days and it was nice to just veg out and watch "American Ninja Warrior" - seriously, that is what we watched (ug) I had to leave when it ended and they were going to watch America's Got Talent. I can only take so much mindless TV.  At one point I went in the kitchen and fixed myself a drink.  I had lemonade and tonic.  When I sat back down on the couch my son asked what I was drinking.  It was so nice to be able to tell him and then let him try a sip.  No scary "adult drinks" that he had to stay away from.  He liked it and decided to go make his own.  We hung out and just vegged.  I went to bed around 9:30 so I could avoid being tempted to eat or drink.  It wasn't the best of all nights, but considering we were out til 10 the night before paddleboarding and having dinner and we will be out boating late tonight, I will take a mindless night of TV. 

I have been fighting a low grade headache, fatigue, bloating and occasional dizziness since about Tuesday afternoon.  I am sure it is all due to not pumping my body full of alcohol.  It's weird, but I kind of feel like it's a good thing.  I feel like if my body is reacting then I am forcing a change.  It's like working out.  If you are sore then you have done something different.  Maybe that's what it is.  I am sore from saying No!

My hubs and kiddie are leaving Sunday for 4 days.  While I will miss them, I am looking forward to some alone time.  I haven't really gone in to depth with my hubs about the physical withdrawing so it might be nice to just get through some of it and have my own space to deal with it.  Assuming that I continue on this path they will be gone from Sober Day 7 - Sober Day 10.  I rarely get any alone time so I am looking forward to watching movies I pick out and having popcorn for dinner!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Little messages

Just a quick check in - I got to be the designated driver tonight at a birthday dinner! After dinner when I took the keys from my hubs my boy asked me what I had to drink. I told him I had a cranberry tonic. He said "does that have alcohol in it?" I was proud to say no. It was like a little but of a nod - like yes, this is the right track. 

The Neverending Story (Day 2)

I am tired of all of this already.  I am tired of thinking about drinking.  I am tired of drinking. I am tired of not drinking.  I am tired of it being an issue.   I don't want to want to drink.  I don't want to wonder if I have a drink "is this a normal drinking pattern?"  I don't want to wonder if I would be thinner, fitter, faster, more focused, more tuned in and just overall better if I don't drink.   It's annoying. I just want to live my life.  Just regular life living going on here.  No preoccupation with addictive habits.  Just going along whistling a tune.  But the fact seems to be that I can't.  I don't think I can drink "normally".  I really don't.  So, I think the easiest thing to do is to not drink at all.  Because sure, that is totes easy.  Just ask anyone who has gone through it.  You just wake up one day and stop drinking, close that chapter of your life and move forward.  Whew!  That was a crazy, wild read, but I am through with that book - what's next on the reading list?

I think this annoyed and fed up mindset that I have is interesting.  It really takes away my desire to drink (for now - who knows how long this will last).  Right now I see myself just saying "no thanks" and moving on.  No more dealing with the mental crap.  The answer is just "No, it's not for me right now."  There is kind of a relief in it.

I have been thinking about talking to my hubs more about it.  I told him a few weeks ago that I was wanting to stop, but it was kind of nebulous, kind of "I think I am doing this too much, I am just going to cut it back.  I want to be more fit and healthy."  In order to get the support I need I should probably tell him that for now I am just going to cut it out of my life.  Just say no to the booze.  I also need to tell him that I am going to/already am experiencing withdrawal symptons such as fatigue, moodiness and INSANE SUGAR CRAVINGS.  They probably aren't as bad as they could have been since I have been cutting back over the past few weeks, but they are still there.  My emotional state is a bit fragile and I just need to take it easy.  Yes, that is the discussion I need to have.  Now, where did I put that Courage Book?

Monday, July 8, 2013

I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It's just math really.

Since I started cutting way back on my drinking I have had

6/22 one mixed tonic drink - lets say 250 cals
6/29 2 beers and almost one bottle of wine - lets say 1100 cals
6/30 1 white russian - probably 300 cals

Since 6/17 I have consumed 1650 calories in alcohol.  I figure at the rate I was drinking prior to cutting back I would have consumed an average of 2 drinks per night and lets say take maybe 1 night off per week.  That would come to 4200 cals + all the crap I would decide to eat while having my drinks AND the hangover food the next morning...if I could eat at all.  It probably would add up to an extra 10,000 cals.  During the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been doing great with my workouts.  Hitting my class 3 times a week plus 1 or 2 other workouts, from mountain biking to SUP.  It is pretty clear by just the numbers alone that I have to make a choice.  At this rate I should be able to drop a pound or two a week without making any other big changes other than removing alcohol.  It is clear - if I want to live a healthy lifestyle - meaning being fit and strong and putting food in my body that improves it then I cannot drink the way I was previously.  The two lifestyle choices do not work together. 

So, there it is - a non-emotional, black and white, cut and dry look at what the numbers mean.  My brain may be able to lie to itself, but the numbers don't lie. 


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

A little experiment

It's been a few days and a few drinks since my last post.  Yep, I said it a few drinks.  I made it to 7 days and then got too comfortable I guess.  We spent the day at the beach Saturday and I ended up having two beers while I was there.  Well, since I had already blown my non-drinking streak later that night I killed (okay except for about 1/2 of a glass) a bottle of red wine.  I have to admit, it was a nice buzz.  It was mellow, nothing crazy, no blackouts, no arguements, just a Saturday night on a family vacation with a buzz.  Seems so normal.  I also had a drink on Sunday.  I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and also grabbed some Kahlua and Vodka.  I made one drink on Sunday night.  I enjoyed it.  It is like dessert.  I didn't really want another one.  I mean I could have had one, but I didn't have a strong tug to have one.  I just enjoyed what I had like one might enjoy a bowl of ice cream in the evening...right, just like ice cream...I don't think so...

I guess this brings me to my next step.  I am thinking maybe about moderation.  I feel like lately I am obsessed with drinking/not drinking/alcoholics and any info pertaining to those topics.  It is taking over and I feel like it is causing me to hyper focus on the issue.  I am going to try to let it go a bit and just for the most part not drink.  I will allow an occasional drink on maybe 1 or 2 evenings or maybe a drink out with friends, but I just want to stop dwelling on it all the time and see if I can find a normal headspace about it.   I understand it could be a big mistake, but it is one I am willing to make right now. 

I will treat it like eating healthy.  If I do it correctly 90% of the time then I am okay with it.  I know when I am making a healthy choice and when I am not.  I just have to stay connected to the side of my brain that recognizes when the choice isn't healthy.  I have to tune out the other side.  Plus, when I am eating right and only occasionally drinking I tend to lose weight.  Hopefully my vanity will pipe up too and tip the scale in favor of healthy choices.

So, that's where I am right now.  I am not saying no to alcohol.  I am saying yes to healthy living (and crossing my fingers!)