Too bad I didn't drink last night said no one ever

I didn't drink last night. I thought I might succumb to the red wine I brought on vacation "just in case". Just in case of what exactly?? Some crazy emergency that can only be solved with a good merlot? I have one fucked up thought process. If my goal is to not drink then why bring wine? I have no answer.

Last night my hubs and I sat with the kids and played UNO and Bananagrams for a couple of hours. It was really nice to enjoy the family time without alcohol. It's weird, when I imagine my upcoming evening I always think that regardless of what we have planned it'll be a bit more fun with a buzz. As I sit here on the other side of the evening, having not had any booze I am thankful that I chose not to drink. I am never sorry that I didn't drink. I never think " Man, that was fun, but it could have been so much better if I was drunk and didn't remember half of it! i sure wish i had a mild alcohol related headache right now." Yep, nope I never think that.

Today is Day 6. I am still kicking around the question of how severe my problem really is. I know this is dangerous territory, but I also think it is normal. At this point I don't know if I will never drink again, I just know I will try not to drink today.

Oh and the disturbing pain under my rib cage on the right side has improved. Still there a bit, but improved. I'm guessing that is a liver issue. Awesome.

Vacation challenge

It is Day 5 of not drinking and Day 1 of our long weekend mini vacay. I have spent so many summer evenings here in a nicely buzzed state. We sit on the porch, watch the sun set let the children run and play and build a strong buzz.  Good times.  I stood in the booze aisle of the store going back and forth on whether I should by drink ingredients. Literally a witness to the two sides of my brain going back and forth. So nice that I can entertain myself with an internal argument. In the end my stingy side tipped the scales in favor of no booze. Since I'd have to buy vodka and kahlua it would be about $35. I guess in the end it is whatever it takes to make it.  I do have a bottle if red wine that I brought from home. Not sure why I decided to that. I enjoy wine, but I really don't drink it much. I'm still not sure whether I'll drink or not. I'd like to think I won't, but...I really don't know at this point. Right now I am guzzling a quart of water and just trying to ride out this wave of - "Fuck it, I'm on vacation" mentality.  Vacation is much harder than being home...

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

No, no, no, no, well, maybe just one

Dang it! Had a drink Saturday night. I say that like it was an accident, like oops! oh crap, I totally forgot I wasn't drinking right now. No, I remembered, it was pretty front and center all damn day! I had passed on having a beer earlier in the day at lunch and then again later when my hubs and I stopped into a bar while walking around Seattle. We don't usually drink so much, but we were on a mini-anniversary vacation. ANYWAY, by the time we went out for dinner I guess I was tired of saying No. Okay, taking a slight detour here - bear with me - 

On Friday night I told my hubs I was going to cut back on my drinking. I told him I want to be healthier and drinking isn't helping. He understood, but I don't think he realizes the mental aspect of it. He suggested I just don't buy it. I could have a drink out here and there, but don't have it in the house. Ahhh seems so simple. He is supportive, but I need to be diligent for my own sake as he isn't quite aware of the extent of it.

So, back to Saturday, I've been saying no for 2 days. I just wanted to celebrate. My brain still equates drinking with celebrating. Hubs said "order a special drink, I'll drive" I hemmed and hawed, but I ended up ordering some fancy gin, thyme, ginger beer conction. It was good and fancy. But here's where it gets scary- one drink and BAM! I'm figuring out where we should go get our next drink. I am ready to get the party started! Fortunately, it didn't work out for us to head off to a bar or club. We had some ice cream, watched the sunset, and walked around and then headed home. 

It was a real eye opener just getting to have one drink. It took my mind off of spending a nice anniversary evening with my hubs and straight in to how to get more booze. Very intersting.

Long drive home from Seattle today so I am too beat to even think about drinking. Plus still no vodka in the house. Good job Thursday and Friday Erin not "stopping at the store".

Onward I go. Lets see what happens tomorrow.

New experiences

Faced a new challenge yesterday. I flew to see my husband. Usually travel is the perfect excuse to drink. The anonymity and transience of the airport allows me the freedom to get met drink on. Plus in most cases I don't have to drive on the other end. I am happy to say I made it through. I bought the new Vanity Fair magazine (Hello Channing!), some Reese's Peanut Butter cups, put my music on and hunkered down. I had built up in my brain what a challenge this would be, but it turns out it wasn't too bad.  Of course, my hubs suggestion that we go have a beer once I landed kind of threw me. I hemmed and hawed in the bar. Hmmm... Just one? That's normal right? That would be okay. Then I thought - why? I didn't have a good answer for that. I ordered a cranberry and tonic and all was fine. I even got to drive my hubs home - now that's a role reversal!!!

Cupcakes, Sushi and Sarcasm

Damn good thing I was out of vodka at the house last night!  I sure hope that these early days are harder then the later days.  Day 1 was okay, Day 2 between 6-8pm was a bit of a nail biter.  It was such a weird, almost out of body experience. 

So, here's the fascinating recap of my evening.  I know - you thought I'd never get to it, but I had to let the excitement build.  Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, English is my second language - Sarcasm being my first.  Yep, so, here goes.  I spent all day with an achey neck, headache and just feeling like maybe I was coming down with something.  It didn't help that I didn't have my first cup of coffee until 11am.  After work I gathered the children from their various summer hang outs and headed home.  I was so tired I just couldn't handle it.  I should have been making dinner, straightening the house, packing for my weekend away and maybe a few hundred other things, (PLUS, I had been kind of thinking of a drink. I know! wtf?  it had only been 1 day)  but all I could was think about sleeping, so I did.  I took a nap for about an hour.  It was weird, don't get me wrong,  I am used to passing out on the couch, but not sober in the early evening.  When I got up I decided I wasn't cooking dinner.  My oldest asked for sushi for and my youngest would live on mac and cheese if he could - so I took the easy way and ran out to get both.  Aha! My opportunity to remedy this whole problem of not having vodka at home.  I can't tell you how many times I have needed to "stop at the store" to pick up something and "oh, while I was there I remembered we were out of vodka (again) so I went ahead got that too." I got the sushi and the macaroni and cheese and came home.  Okay, I got a 4 pack of cupcakes too, but seriously, I am not beating myself up about that right now.

It seems as though I rarely win the battle at the store in regards to whether I should restock the booze or not. I KNOW if I don't have it I won't drink it, but it is seriously an arguement going on in my brain. Sometimes the one side is sneaky "you should just buy it so you have it, you don't have to drink it tonight, just restock the liquor cabinet" and I fall for it and of course and 99% of the time end up having a drink or two that night. Damn! So, last night I resisted, I white-knuckled, I just said no, I focused. Whatever I did, I didn't buy the booze and guess what? I survived an evening with our liquor cabinet being understocked. I know - who'd a thunk it? I feel good about it today, proud even. I also feel like maybe right now it is willpower more than anything and if I exercise my willpower it will get stronger. I need to look at last night as an example, and hopefully there will be other nights to use as examples as well. I need to remind myself that making the decision to not drink will yield positive results.

I have recognized for a while that my drinking is not normal.  I CAN drink socially and normally.  I do not get drunk everytime, or even most times really.  It's just that in addition to social/group settings I also drink at home in the evenings sometimes by myself, sometimes with my husband.  I know it and have made attempts in the past to modify it.  I would just like to stop for now and feel my life without the booze in it.

This is a much longer post and a lot more "diary-like" than I anticipated.  I just thought I'd type up a few witty quips about not drinking last night and how awesome I am feeling about it and hit Post.  This would totally impress the imaginary readers in my mind. However, it seems the more I type the more I am looking inward and the more I realize it is pretty fucking deep and dark in there.  I will keep posting and keep looking inward and see what happens.

Let it be

So, last night was fine.  I had a family get-together at my house for my daughter's 15th birthday.   My mother-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law and nephew all drank.  Just one beer or one mixed drink each.  I didn't feel any desire though.  Of course, as I have mentioned, no vodka in the house makes it a zillion times easier for me to not drink.  I think that is such a weird thing for me.  I was looking last night and we literally must have gallons of rum, but I have no desier to drink it.  We do have some nice red wine too, but meh, no biggie.  Interesting how picky I am about this. 

So....as I said last night was fine.  Had an extra piece of cake :) making up for a lack of sugar maybe? Whatev, I am not beating myself up about that right now.  I am going to give myself a week of just letting my eating be what it needs to be.  After that I will start to reel it back in to better eating habits.  I had a little trouble sleeping.  Seems weird.  I read that alcohol is a sedative, but your body gets used to the sedative so it kind of goes in to overdrive in the absence of alcohol.  Not sure if this was the case, but it was surprising to have trouble sleeping. 

Fighting a headache today, but I think that is from not having coffee until 11am rather than lack of alcohol, or maybe its both.  It was interesting when my alarm when off this morning and it was time for my workout class.  I usually lay in bed, hungover and think "hell no, I do not want to go get my ass kicked".  It is a really brutal class.  I didn't have that same thought this morning though.  It just seemed fine, like just another thing on my to-do list. I didn't dread it or have to convince myself to go.

Well my noontime optimistic self sees another good, but busy night on tap.  No reason to add alcohol to the mix.  Tomorrow is going to be tougher as I leave to fly up to see my husband for our anniversary (he is out of town going to school).  Well, isn't he lucky, he just got himself a designated driver :)

Fits and Starts

Well, I am now out of vodka at the house.  Since I really seem to limit my drinking to one type of drink (white russian anyone?) I am feeling more optimistic about my chances.  But it isn't really about chances is it?  It's about knowledge, strength, exploration, acceptance, resolve and myriad other traits and feelings.

I am starting to also feel sad about all of this.  I hate that this is an issue. I hate how much time I feel like I am wasting thinking, worrying, regretting and recovering.  I feel kind of lost . I usually feel like I am not that bad but regardless of how bad I need to make a change.  I don't want to obsess over this.  I am too busy for this shit.

So....that being said, my wedding anniversary is Saturday.  I haven't seen my husband in almost 3 weeks.  I get to fly up to meet him on Friday, spend Saturday with him and then we drive home together Sunday.  Ordinarily this would be a booze fest for me.  Most times when I fly, I feel like I have a free pass.  I am usually not going to have to drive when I get to where I am going, plus since everyone is in a transitory state it isn't weird to be sitting in an airport bar by yourself having a drink, in fact it seems quite normal.  The thing is something in me doesn't feel it this time. I am not sure what it is, but it just doesn't hold any appeal.  Of course 11 am in the morning me is very different from 5pm or 9pm me.  If the mindset and willpower I have in the morning stuck around with me all day I'd be fucking golden.

I feel sad about all of this right now. Tired, sad and just done.  I just want it to stop.  

Day 1, Take 2

Wow.  1 day.  I made it 1 day last week.  Pretty sad.  I feel like I drank a lot this weekend too.  I had 2 white russians on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night each.  I swear, my liver is aching today.  I am all full of remorse and woe now too, as usual. 

I have been reading blogs about other womens journeys and I think I may have lulled myself in to a sense of feeling like mabye I am not so bad... here is my screwed up reasoning:  I can have all kinds of alcohol in the house and not feel the  need to drink it.  We currently have wine, rum, tequila, beer, whiskey, you name it and I probably won't drink it.  If I am out of my drink ingredients of choice (vodka and kahlua for a white russian) then chances are about 98% that I will not have a drink.  Oh, if we are out of milk I will also not have a drink as that is the 3rd ingredient.  Sad sidenote:  I have actually told my son to not drink milk after dinner because I knew if he poured himself a big glass that there would not be enough left for me to make my drink.  So, CLEARLY my alcohol issue is not that bad, right??? sure. right. keep on convincing yourself. 

So, I will start again today.  I will somehow try to keep the willpower I have now steamrolling in to this evening.  All I can do is keep trying, I will figure this out.  I just need to keep turning the mirror inward.

Planning ahead

So, I made it through yesterday without drinking.  Actually, I was so tired from my daughter's party the night before that it really didn't seem like any big deal to not drink.  Sometimes it is like that.  Sometimes I am not in the mood, of course these "sometimes" moments are few and far between.  I think that it is these moments that have tricked me in to thinking that maybe my drinking pattern is more normal than I think.  I mean if I don't drink every night and I don't get drunk every night then I must be normal, right.  Oh wait, the fact that I even think about my drinking patterns this much - or that I actually have "drinking patterns", well, that kind of says it all right there.

I have had days where I start to feel like crap at work - getting a cold or overtired or whatever.  All day at work all I can think of is that I am just going to go home, tell the fam I don't feel well and then go lay down.  Oh that'll be so nice, but then I think "WAIT! If I go home and announce that I don't feel well and go lay down then I won't be able to get up later and have a drink, better fake feeling better just in case I want to drink."  What??? What did I just say, did I really type that? Dear Lord I did and worse - it has happened on more than one occasion.  Who the hell fakes feeling better so the option of booze is in the picture later??  Oh right, me. 

These are the things I need to start to reconcile with myself.  These are the things that if I stop and review make really realize that my drinking is not normal.  These are the things that I push to the back of my mind at 6pm when I am making my first drink.  The voice in my head that says it is normal to have a drink after work is much louder than the one in my head that says it is not normal to start thinking about that drink while at work.

So, here's to a sober Friday night.  White knuckling it all the way baby!

I have to stop now.

I have to stop now. I am really good at excusing my behavior. I can rationalize the shit out anything.   I have to stop drinking now. 

I know I have a problem.  I have not had a DUI or any other "rock-bottom" moment.  Maybe if something like that actually happened then it would be enough of a wakeup for me.  I just know in my heart that I am struggling and just drinking too much.  I would describe my drinking pattern as highly functioning, secretive, smart (as in don't do anything I can get arrested for smart, not this is the best thing for my mind, body and spirit smart). I have probably 1-2 mixed drinks (pint sized glass, heavy on the vodka) about 5 nights a week.  I get annoyed when I have to pick my kids up from friends houses later in the evening because it means I can't take my time to "relax".  "Relax" is code in my mind for "get buzzed".

I have an almost constant nagging dull ache in my upper right side, just below my ribs.  I am afraid that I am damaging my liver.  Shit! I would think that would be enough to make me stop drinking -and it is - until about 6pm each night.  That is when I begin the battle of "should I or shouldn't I?" Well, duh, idiot, of course you shouldn't.  Remember that pain you felt all day and worried about all day?  Yeah, well, maybe you should stop drinking and see if it goes away.  Maybe that'd be a really fucking good idea.  Yes, it is a great idea.  I'll just finish off this bottle of vodka so I no longer have it in the house to tempt me and then I will get on with implementing that great idea I came up with. 

Maybe I should go to a meeting.  Oh, but I don't have time for a meeting.  I don't have time to show up somewhere a bunch of days every week and discuss my issues.  What I do have time for is to check out each evening and not much done around the house...yes, clearly I don't have time for taking care of myself as I am too busy not taking care of myself.

So, what is the answer?  Well, I guess it helps to know exactly what the question is.  Why do I drink? Why don't I just stop?  What does my life look like without alcohol?  Will it be better? Worse? What if I try and fail?  I don't know yet, but I feel like it is going to take finding the answer to those questions and probably a bunch of others in order to make a healthy commitment to myself. Even though it isn't the 1st of the month, the 1st of the week or some other arbitrarily choosen appropriate start date, I will just make this simple commitment and I will not drink today.