Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Problem solving on a Spiral

I worked out today.  I haven't been able to type that in about 3 weeks.  I have gone for runs in the past 3 weeks.  Some of them were even challenging, hilly trail runs, but I have not gone to my class and had my butt kicked in a workout in 3 weeks.  Today I did just that.  I started thinking about how over the last 3 weeks it got easier and easier to not go to class.  I fretted about missing the first one, the second one kind of bothered me, but after a while it really was easier not to go.  It was one less thing on my to-do list.  I mean I like to work out, but with my husband gone for the 8th week in a row I was just finding it easier to not go. I justified it by the fact that I was still running 1-3 times a week, but I know it isn't the same. 

I have two main points ideas I wanted to share today.  One of the ideas is the spiral effect I was feeling and the other is what happened when I stopped making an excuse for not going and started asking myself questions about it and evaluating the options (I actually really like working out, but I was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed).

So first - the spiral effect.  I was thinking about my health and fitness and how I would plot it on a graph.  I decided I could not effectively plot on a traditional graph.  My mental image of my health and fitness commitment as it relates to my life right now is more of  a vertical spiral.  It is very easy for me to stop making good choices and slip back down the spiral.  The downward spin seems to pick up its own momentum and the thought of stopping the spin becomes overwhelming.  When I do finally decide to do something different it takes a lot of strength and teeth gritting.  I put the brakes on the spin and stop the momentum AND then I have to start the work of climbing back up the spiral. Health and fitness in my world have always been work.  It doesn't mean I don't enjoy them, but it is always on a slippery slope.  I don't feel like I have ever found a way to reduce the spin.

The more I thought about the spiral the more I found it applies to my sobriety as well.  If drinking starts the downward spin then again strength, white-knuckling, teeth gritting all help to stop the spin.  Stopping the spin is just the beginning though - I still have to plod my way back up the spiral. It takes work and vigilance.  Right now the spiral is very vertical.  If I mis-step I am likely sliding backwards.  I don't have the luxury of a rest right now.  I have to do the work everyday so that I do not slip.

My second epiphany (if you will) had to do with actually thinking about what the issue is when it came to my workouts and problem solving.  Here is what I know/knew: I like to workout.  I feel good when I workout.  Currently I am mentally tired from 2 months of solo parenting. I am physically tired from going in 8 directions. I have workout time options available - I do not always have to go at 5am. I feel like something is missing from my life (spiritually, physically, emotionally - I don't know - just some weird, nebulous missing thing). In the end I decided to switch to a 6am class for the next 5 weeks.  6am is much more do-able than 5am, but usually my morning routine doesn't allow for 6am. Kids and work dictate an earlier class. Well, this morning my kid was late to school and I was a little late to work today, but the world didn't end.  My husband will be home tomorrow so he can step in and help with the morning routines and I can honor this commitment to myself.  That was it - problem is solved for the next 5 weeks.  My classes will be on hiatus from 12/23 - 1/6 so really the next 7 weeks I don't have to worry.  As for January 7, well, I'll have to see where I am at that point, but right now, today, I am filling in a little bit of what is missing and I am feeling better.

My visual that I explained earlier about the spiral?  A vertical spiral is something that is always challenging. It means I must be moving forward all the time.  My goal is to flatten out my vertical spirals bit by bit.  I need to use tools (hammers? for flattening? surprise! a metaphor) so that the spiral is not so steep.  By doing this I make it easier for myself to succeed.  I can succeed on a steep spiral - but constantly working hard just to inch forward is not fun nor is it a good long term solution. 

Right now my goal is to start evaluating my spirals and figuring out what needs attention.  I am not ready to address everything right now, all at once, but I am ready to start having the conversations with myself.  Hope doesn't stop a spin - action does.

I think that is all I have today - my brain hurts from all this stretching.  Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone else anyway, but it makes sense to me and that's the whole reason I'm here!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

In the middle

Oh, still here.  Still sober.  I'm on day...hold on... let me count 116 now.  November 8th will be 4 months.  That's pretty awesome.  I seem to have fallen in to a normal life routine that does not include booze.  I think about it occasionally and even think I might want some occasionally, but it is not an overwhelming thing.  By the time I get home and start getting through dinner, homework, cleaning and whatever else I need to do I have kind of forgottent that I was thinking about drinking.  This surprises me because it was so ingrained in me before.

I am still struggling with the sugar.  I feel like it is getting worse.  I am actually thinking about blogging about that instead of/in adddition to blogging about not drinking.  It seems like the not drinking thing has hit a bit of a lull.  No big exciting insights, no revelations just going along, living life, not drinking.  Whoopee.  Okay, I don't mean to sound so cavalier.  It is a big deal that I am not drinking, but the real life of it is that it is not all that exciting of a life.  I feel like I am in the in-between stage.  I have gotten through the first few months of craving and re-adjusting and now I am kind of waiting and looking for something that takes the place of the drinks.

So, I guess I am not acutally in the mood to write much today.  I just figured I should update and let the world know I am continuing on with this sober plan.  Next stop 180 days.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I'm pretty sure it won't be a shitstorm.

Do not fret.  I am still here and I am still sober. Let me check...day 73.  Pretty cool.  I am amazed at how close I am to finishing the 100 day challenge.  Does that mean I will drink again once I hit 100 days?  Probably not.  I'd like to think that I have "reset" things and that I can go back to drinking normally.  Maybe I could, but maybe I couldn't.  Am I that vain to think that all of the folks that have gone before me that have posted about how they tried to moderate and failed were different than me?  Am I so special?  I'd like to think I am.  Actually yes I am, but, if I am truly struggling with drinking, if I may in fact be an alcoholic, the disease isn't special or different just because I may have it.  It isn't different in me than in other people.  I don't have some special ability to moderate because I have a different strain of it.  No, it is the same disease with the same progression, pitfalls and eventual outcome.  So, what is it to be then? Risking the drinking and seeing what happens?  Or not drinking and knowing that whatever happens I am in control of my situation.  Right now I choose control.  I choose the sometimes painful, occasionally boring, razor sharp clarity of being sober. This has become my "known quantity".  If I really need to escape I can go to sleep, but currently I do not want to deal with the fallout of drinking.    If I don't drink a few things might suck, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a shitstorm.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A pretty unremarkable weekend.

I actually don't have much to report from my 3 day weekend.  It was a nice enough weekend.  Occasionally busy and occasionally quiet.  A good balance.  Nothing really to report though.  It was my first 3 day weekend sober.  I didn't even really think about that until today.  That's pretty cool.  Um, yep. Not really gonna drag things out here.  I will post soon when I actually have something to share. 

8 weeks + 2 days.  Wow.  I am really doing it!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Single speeding

Along with booze I have always struggled with weight (not severe weight, but anywhere from 5-25 pounds). I am active and fit generally. It is actually amazing the physical things I have been able to accomplish over the years while still drinking. 1/2 marathons, full marathons, an ultra, a couple of 8 hour endurance mountain bike races, 5am crossfit - all while drinking a fair (to high) amount. I feel like the extra weight is partly from drinking plus along with drinking comes the weird boozer high sugar intake and extra nightly snacking. Now that I am not boozing I really really want to move forward and do these things without the booze brain, without the extra weight (hitting maximum density with being 23 lbs over "my weight" right now), and without the tiredness that comes with it all. Impatient much? Nah, not me. I just want my life back right now! I see what I was doing and missing and I don't want that anymore.
So I tell myself that this is like training for an endurance event, slow and steady. If I train to hard too soon I will get hurt. I have to build up to going the distance; let my muscles get stronger slowly and over time. Oh I do love a metaphor! But now in addition to my boozie voice I have some other little voice that is in there, pushing pushing pushing to be better, be super fit, eat super clean, get strong, lean and do the things that I have been doing boozy and half-assed all these years. What is that voice all about??? Where is my voice that says take it easy on yourself - heal, trust the process, be nice to yourself? I hear it occasionally, but it is much quieter than the "more, bigger, better, go go go" voice.
Oh shit - interesting epiphany right now. I ride a single speed mountain bike. This means that I don't have those easy granny gears to shift in to when I hit a hill. When I have to climb I have to stand up, pedal hard and just fucking get to the top. It is all power. If it is rocky and technical I am powering and maneuvering and probably not even breathing! I love that it is harder. I don't have to think a lot about it. I either stand up and pedal or I don't make it to the top. It has made me a much faster rider and racer (ie it has worked for me). I'm wondering if this might be how I approach things/life. One speed. Get through it. Get to the top and then you rest and breathe. BUT, wait, what if there isn't a top? Staying sober does not have a top. Huh, I may be in trouble here I am probably going to have to figure out how to use some gears on this hill. (I know I am THE METAPHOR QUEEN!)

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Halfway to 100 !!

I had some busy fun family plans, but I did not have a sugar/alcohol avoidance plan for the weekend. I had some drinking chatter going on in my brain on Friday afternoon/evening.  I didn't think I would drink, but there was some kind of weird "what ifs..." going on. I was concerned, but it passed and I was fine the rest of the weekend.   I got together with some friends on Saturday night, about 5 guy friends that I mountain bike with a lot. Once of the guys had moved and was in town for the weekend. These guys PUT AWAY serious amounts of booze. Namely tequila and some beer.  I love them dearly and I have had my fair share of tequila evenings with my guys, but this was not going to be one of them. I had to drive an hour with another friend of mine to meet up for a bbq. On the way there I mentioned to my friend that I wasn't drinking and he said he really wasn't either. So we get there and the tequilla is pouring and the beers are being passed. I decline and I tell them that I am taking a break. One of them says "oh yea, that's good. I do that every so often too." He then tells me he just went sober for 5 months from Jan to May. Huh? really? Interesting, I had no idea.  Up until a couple of weeks ago he lived in another state so I wouldn't have know.  He didn't mention it either (wheels of wonder are spinning in my head abou this). I told them I was going 100 days and about the 30 day no sugar deal. I had nothing but support from my friends, it was awesome.  As they drank they occasionally offered me tequila shots. No biggie, because if there is anything it is easy to say no to it is a shot of tequila (even the really good tequila they were drinking). I didn't mind being sober at all and it was nice to not be worried about the drive home. My friend who drove down there with me who "isn't drinking either" had  2 shots of tequilla and a beer. He can do that though, he doesn't have an issue, but for me that would have just sent me in to an alcohol binge when I got home.
It all worked out pretty well. I knew going in to the night that tequila would play a big role in the evening. It helped to know that and be mentally prepared. It was the first time too that I have really discussed my not drinking with any friends. I was so happy with the result.
One final note - geez, you are getting my life story here - I stopped in for a quick visit with my best friend on Sunday. As we sat talking she asked about the night before and if I had shots. And I said "no, I told you I'm not doing that right now". She was kind of surprised, which I found odd. She said she knew I had mentioned it, but she figured when my husband came home that we had drinks. I said nope, not doing it. In fact, I told her I was just about at 50 days (today is 51). She told me she was really proud of me. It felt good to talk to her a bit more about it. I told her I thought I drank too much and I need to do this for now.   I didn't go in to detail.  I am not sure when I will do that. I guess I need to figure things out first before I just go sharing my story - even with my closest friend. Anyway, then we talked more about sugar and the addictive qualities of that. She said she is going to go off sugar for the month of September. :)
That is all for now, cuz you know, maybe I had more to say...I mean I haven't told you what I had for dinner or anything :)
 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

I don't get AA (yet).

This has really been bugging me lately.  First, let me start with the fact that I have never been to an AA meeting so I am somewhat uninformed, maybe there are all kinds of answers there in the support system.  But anyway, here is the thing that really chaps my hide.  IF alcoholism is a disease then WHY do we have to treat it with the whole 12 step program?  I mean what other diseases are treated this way?  Why is someone who is an alcoholic automatically needing to "work the steps".  If it is a physical disease then why is this the cure?.  Arrgghh.  I am trying to say this so that it makes sense.  It makes sense in my brain.  Okay, other diseases, like lets say diabetes - this is a physical disesase that is related to the inability to process sugar.  In order to fight the disease you have to change your diet, eliminate sugar, make healthy choices and be educated.  If you do all these things you can live and not have any active signs of the disease.  So if you are an alcoholic why can't you just give up booze and make healthy choices?  Why does it have to be some big mental program of steps and sponsorship and reconciling and whatever else?  Why is there so much emotional crap involved??? I mean emotions are fine, but do I really need to dig deep to stay away from booze.  Is drinking always tied in to some deep seated emotional damage that must be disected in a group setting?  I don't get it. 

My Dad went to AA for a number of years, but then he stopped going.  He was sober for probably the last 30 years of his life.  He didn't seem to focus on it.  It just was what it was.  He just didn't drink.  No long story about it.  Booze screwed up his life, he couldn't handle it and he was better with out it.  I guess that is the solution I see.  I don't want to dwell on it and I don't want it to define me.  I just want to not drink and get on with doing all the other stuff that I do in life.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Testing my willpower

If car shopping doesn't drive me to drink and eat a fucking cupcake nothing will! Okay, that's a little dramatic but still, I hate it.  I hate having a low budget, haggling and just all of it.

Okay, rant over. Today is six weeks sober and 1 week sugar free. I tried to go off sugar at about 3 weeks, but I could t do it. I feel like now the timing is nice because it takes my mind off of not being able to have booze. I'm a bit more focused on not having sugar. Double bonus - since my booze of choice is a sugar filled cocktail I now have 2 reasons to say no. 

Apparently my hubs isn't really drinking now either. He had a couple of beers the first night he was home, but then I had "the talk" with him the next morning and he's been sober too. He doesn't have a problem, so it's not a biggie for him, but it is nice to have the support.

I figure by now I have saved $180 + 35000 calories. Well, I ate a good portion of those cals back in sugar and crap in the first 5 weeks, but now with no sugar that is lower too. That is a pretty big savings! Next up is probably going to have to be eliminating starchy carbs. Slowly but surely I am making healthy changes.

It's late, I'm beat. I'm sugar and booze free and I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Day 40 no booze, Day 5 no sugar. If I keep giving up stuff I am going to need more room for the title.

Today is 5 days no sugar and 40 days no booze.  Okay, universe I am expecting to drop a few lbs on the old scale anytime now.  Oh wait, I should not be eating my weight in carbs? Hm. oh. whatever then. One vice at a time.  I feel like I am working on the two biggies right now so I'll just leave at that for a bit. 

My gym has a bootcamp starting up again in about 2 weeks.  During bootcamp we are supposed to go No Alcohol (check), No sugar over 9 grams (check), No dairy (about 1/2 a check here), No Processed foods (another 1/2 a check) and No starchy carbs (no checks at all, in fact I might need to give some of the previously earned checks back!  In the past when I have done this detox I have gotten sick, I mean "I think I'm getting the flu" sick during the first week and by week 2 I am usually drinking again.  Since I am cutting out booze and sugar on my own I am thinking that maybe cutting out the other 3 won't be such a system shock this time.  I know starchy carbs convert to sugars, but since 2 months ago I was consuming booze, sugar AND starchy carbs and now I am just on starchy carbs I am at least going in the right direction.  I am also starting to see that the first 5 days of making a major change to my eating or drinking pattern kind of sucks.  It is hard not having sugar, but it is easier today than it was on Monday.  I have to hope that it will be easier still by this time next week.  So I will continue my optimistic journey on my quest for nutritional self improvement.  Btw - during this I am not counting calories at all.  I am working out 3-5 times a week and just trying to limit my foods to be within my current "NO" guideline.  I am trying to eat healthier overall and not be obsessed with numbers all the time. 

Well, that is about all the exciting news I have today.  Just a general check in.  Keeping the sober side up and trying to enjoy the fact that I remember my days and evenings now.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Telling my man

My hubs is home for a week between trips to Alaska.  It is always so nice to have him home.  It is weird for a day or two as we kind of figure out our routines again, but weird is better than alone!

So as I am on day 39 of not drinking now I figured I should let my hubs know that I am done with it.  I still don't have it in me to admit to more than just "I was drinking too much".  So, that is what I said.   I really didn't have to say it though, he had a front row seat to how much I was drinking.  So, I told him that I am done drinking.  I explained to him that  it is easier for me to just say no all the time then to try to play games and say I will only drink on the weekends or I will only drink when we are out at dinner/special occasions.  I told him that I just preferred to not have it be a part of my life.  He mentioned that he noticed I hadn't had a drink in a long time (he has been gone for the last 3 weeks so he didn't really know what I was doing until he came home) and that he thought if I wasn't drinking I would achieve my other goals more easily.  I also explained to him that when I initially thought about drinking I thought somehow I would be missing out on fun, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the things I do for fun do not include drinking.  In fact drinking really wasn't fun anymore.  He just nodded and agreed.  So, that was that I guess.  Not really sure if I expected it to go differently or if maybe I thought he would have questions or what.  He doesn't drink much and can really take it or leave it.  He said he doesn't care if he drinks again, but sometimes he likes the taste of a beer.  He also said he would prefer it sometimes if beer didn't have alcohol in it.  Fuck you, who even says that?  Oops, I mean, huh - that's interesting. :)



Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Sugar Sugar Sugar!!!!

As far as addictive behavior goes I have replaced alcohol with sugar.  I mean it is filling in all the holes left by not drinking.  During the day I think about treats I can have.  I "treat" myself to a cookie almost every afternoon.  I plan a Friday night with a piece of cake and the latest copy of People magazine.  It's like an orgy of junk food on Fridays - junk for my mind, junk for my body.  I sneak the treats so that my kids don't see them because goodness knows I wouldn't let them eat this way. 



So, because I am sober and just slightly more aware of myself these days I have decided to kick the sugar habit.  I am eliminating all my "treats".  No cake, no candy, no cookies, no tonic-berry lemonade.  No treats of this type at all. I have read that sugar is an addiction just like many other addictions, so I am trying to mentally accept that this week (I'm on day 2) is going to suck.  It is going to suck like quitting drink sucked.  I can tell myself all day long that this is good for me and that my body needs to detox, but it sucks.

I also know that this early in my sobriety I am supposed to just be kind to myself and not try to limit too much stuff.  I totally get that, but I am not okay with my behavior in regards to sweets.  I do not like the sneaking and hiding and doing something that I know is not good for me.  It is this reason that I am making this change.  I feel like I have to be vigilant about addictive behavior and I am looking to nip this one in the bud quick!

Oh, and 5 weeks sober as of last Sunday, so that's pretty cool too.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Alcohol is everywhere

Alcohol observations from a sober viewpoint.

Yesterday some friends were boating and I had a special treat of being picked up for my lunch hour and boated around the river for a bit.  Such a wonderful break in the middle of the day.  Everyone on the boat was having a beer or drink of some kind.  I was offered one and was easily able to say no as I had to go back to work, then a bit later I was offered "just a sip".  I have not discussed my sobriety with anyone - well, I did mention to one friend fairly casually that I wasn't drinking in order to drop a few pounds (not working btw) so this person wasn't sabotaging me or any such thing.  He was offering to truly being nice - to make my lunchtime boat excursion just a bit more "fun".  I made an excuse about it being just a tease and said no thanks.  As I think about it now though - one sip stresses me out.  One sip doesn't do anything for me except at best - reset my counter to zero and at worst send me on a weekend "fuck it I just blew it anyway, I'll start counting again on Monday" bender.  I would never just take one sip.  It's an all or nothing propositon for me and right now I am practicing the nothing. 

Today I stopped in to Starbucks at lunch for a pick me up coffee.  I don't have afternoon coffee that often, but it is often enough that I am somewhat familiar with the staff there.  Anyway, as I am sitting waiting and zoning out on my phone I overhear one of the staff telling a customer that he hasn't had a drink in 7 months.  I look up to see who is talking and I am shocked.  This guy is maybe in his early 20's.  He is always really friendly when I am in and always asks about my weekend plans etc.  As I am listening he is telling this customer/friend about how he thinks alcohol literally eats holes in the brain and since he has stopped drinking he feels like the lights are going on.  He feels like he is remembering things better than he has in a long time and that he is learning to do things differently.  He was so excited about how good he was feeling.  I just sat and listened and totally anonymously identified with everything he was saying.  I didn't say anything, but I might next time, or maybe I won't...who knows.  He may or not have a problem, I don't know his full story, but it was good to hear someone else talking about being sober and how good it feels!

Two days, two observations.  Funny how much alcohol permeates our culture.  It surrounds me whether I am drinking or not.  That's fine, it can surround me but I will no longer allow it to consume me.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

30 freakin days!

30 days today. I'm just going to roll that around on my tongue for a bit. 30 days sober. 29 days ago this day seemed impossible. 29 days ago I wasn't even sure I wanted to be sober. Here I am at 30 days and I know this is the right choice. I love the clarity that I have most days now. I can honestly say that I do not want to drink today. I am not drawn to it today. It used to annoy the shit out of me when I would read blogs and the author would talk about not wanting to drink. I would think that was impossible, or at least impossible for me. But I'll be damned if I'm not sitting here typing those exact words. What a difference a little bit of time can make. I don't say it very often, but dang it, I am proud of myself so far. I am doing what I set out to do and it feels good.

Back in June when I was still quitting and restarting I told my husb that I wanted to stop drinking, clean up my diet and really get more involved with my gym. I wanted to assist with workouts, who knows, maybe be a coach some day. I had been thinking about the fact that I love to workout and I love reading about fitness, both physical and nutritional, okay and I am obsessed with weight loss shows, before and after stories are like crack for me. I thought it would be really cool to be more involved in health and fitness both for myself but also eventually for others. Lately I have taken it up a notch in my classes and have been doing the demos and helping. Today we showed up to the gym and there was no coach. Everything was locked up tight. About 10 of us decided to go to the park and make up a workout. I basically got to lead it. It wasn't quite the way I'd planned to maybe start coaching, but it was cool. The other ladies said "you lead it". I had no plan so I had to make it up as I went. It wasn't great, but all things considered we did great. 

So on the 30th day of my sobriety I was given an opportunity to glimpse maybe what it might feel like to follow that dream a little. I feel like I was given a that a month ago I would not have been able to receive. I would not have been clear-headed enough to have led the class and I don't think I even would have been aware that it was something I wanted to do.

Oh and I had a piece of cake to celebrate! (It's not ALL about nutrition)

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Still going!

4 weeks today. I never say it and I probably should more often - I am proud of myself. It's all new territory. My weekend was so busy with working out, hiking and swimming with kiddies, school clothes shopping, sports for the kiddies and family time that I have been going to bed exhausted each night. I don't even know how I could fit drinking in if I wanted too! I probably have time for a drink here or there, during a movie or while reading right before bed, but:

- why? Why would I have a drink before bed? What is the purpose of that?
-it isn't realistic to think that I would only have one drink. Well, I might have one drink, in a pint glass with 1-2 shots of vodka a at least a shot of kahlua (so what is that 2-3 Shots in 1 drink?))
-I don't have time to to be hungover
-I don't want to start all over again
-I am enjoying just being myself and not drinking, worrying about drinking, being ashamed of drinking or any of the other crap that comes along with it.

So yes, maybe I have time for a drink, but I sure in the hell don't have the energy for the drama of a drink.


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Is this the Pink Cloud I have heard about?

This is that annoying post of me talking about how I don't even want to drink right now.  Really, I don't.  I find that I have not even been thinking about it or missing it in the evenings.  I still worry about how I am going to get through some occasions.  The big one that seems to be stuck in my mind is New Years Eve.  I think my issue is that I don't really want to share my sobriety right now.  It is kind of like a private little secret I have and I just don't want to go in to with other people.  Honestly, I feel so damn exhausted all the time that the thought of picking through my brain to discuss my drinking just wears me out even more.  I will stop worrying abut New Years Eve now, it doesn't do me any good.  I  will figure it out as it gets closer.

So...my original thought/point with this post is that I am kind of surprised that I have not been thinking about booze much.  It is amazing how different my mind set it is compared to just a few weeks ago.  I don't feel like I am white knuckling or just getting by.  I can truly see myself not drinking again ever.  It doesn't seem so unattainable anymore.  Maybe this is the "pink cloud" I have heard about.  Well, if it is I will enjoy the ride, but be cautious about feeling to secure in my journey.

Monday, July 29, 2013

85% of the time (Day 22!)

When I was drinking I was afraid to stop because I kept thinking that I would miss out on all the fun.  Apparently that was a good enough reason to keep up with such a destructive behavior for far too long.  I still believed it even a few days, maybe a week in to sobriety. Week 2 I don't think I really thought about it much as I was just too busy trying to sort out the one thousand or so feelings I was having or I was asleep (constantly tired).  The weekends have always been the hardest for me as I entered my 3rd weekend I was  bit nervous that I would slip up.  I was nervous that I would be so bored because I was missing out on all the "fun" that I would drink again and then things would magically be more fun.  So, I started thinking about all the things that I like to do that are fun and whether drinking makes them better.  Here is my list and my answers:

  • Trail Running, nope - drinking makes it more difficult actually
  • SUP, no way!
  • Mountain Biking - impossible
  • movies with my kiddies, drinking doesn't make it better it just makes me fall asleep
  • Hardcore gymworkouts - drinking no! and a hangover makes it suck ass
  • Reading a book - okay, maybe a drink is nice with this BUT it does not make it better
  • Boating/Rafting - well, like reading it could be enjoyable, but it doesn't make it better
  • Traveling/Exploring - no, not really
  • Gardening - duh no
  • Spending time with friends, talking and hanging out.  This one is interesting, I feel like I am conditioned to automatically think drinking makes this more fun/better, but I really don't think it adds to the good times. It maybe can be considered a component of the "good times" but I won't be missing out on the spending time with my friends if I choose to do it without drinking.
Well, I know I do other things for fun, but this is what comes to mind, but in just a quick few minutes it is clear to me that the things I think are fun are not drinking related things at all.  There will be times that we are socializing and it is more of a drinking event.  I'm thinking around the holidays, maybe camping etc, but 85% of what I do does not include drinking.  I am going to focus on the fact that the 85% of my "fun" will actually improve without drinking.  I will figure out how to get through the 15% as I get more tools in my belt.  Hopefully, as I have learned so far, the fact that I am not drinking seems to only be a big deal to me and I won't have to go in to all of the reasons for it at that time OR who knows, maybe I'll be ready to share it by then.  At this point I have a long list of fun things to do so I am going to get started!
-

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Water = Booze?

Today is 21 days. This is about the time I drank last time. That was a year and a half ago and when I quit then I wasn't really quitting forever, just taking a break. I knew I drank too much, but it wasn't a big problem for me. So now, looking at the 21 day mark it is feeling like uncharted territory. I haven't been here yet, well at least since I stopped nursing my youngest kid. I am proud of myself and relieved that I am ready to just keep saying no. I haven't felt my resolve waiver yet. 

Yesterday I spent the day on the river with my brother in law and his wife plus a few of our kiddies and their friends.  BIL brought beer and a few drinks for his wife. We floated for a while and then ran in to other folks we know and hung out on the beach. I was offered beer at least 4 times. Coors light? Bud light? Mikes hard lemonade? Do you just want a sip? Here can you hold my beer for a minute? I have always joked that I'd rather drink water than Coors or Bud and I guess it's true! Although I wasn't tempted anyway so it really wouldn't have mattered what it was. I didn't need it. It wouldn't have made the day better. Still it was so interesting how often it was offered. I haven't told anyone that I am not drinking so they weren't being malicious in any way. They were just being nice and doing what you do on the river. I have been around my BIL and SIL quite a few times lately where I have turned down drinks so I am kind of waiting for them to ask me about it.

I find it so interesting how much being on the water is associated with drinking. It almost seems like a given. Hanging out poolside, rafting (floating, not whitwater!), going to the lake/river for the day, boating, going on a cruise all seem to be reasons to drink and in a lot of cases to excess. They just go hand in hand. I hadn't realized how much the 2 are intertwined until the last few weeks. The times when I have been most surrounded by alcohol have been during or right after days spent on the water. It must be a vacation mentality.

I am riding high - enjoying being sober and enjoying being present on and off the water.


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Solo journey

My hubs left today. We had a 180 degree career change for him about 1 year ago. We closed our business, filed for bankruptcy protection and then set about figuring out the next stage. I have always worked outside our business, so I just kept on trucking. Well, if trucking means drinking myself silly most nights so I didn't have to think about the fact that we had lost so much in the bankruptcy and our troll of a landlord was now sueing us. Yes, just trucking right along there.
So, now at present day he is going to school out of state. He has school for about 1 month every 3 months or so and then he goes out to sea for anywhere from 3 - 5 weeks. He is a Merchant Marine. Life on the high seas, adventure around every corner, ahoy captain. Yep, all that Popeye weirdness. So, we went from us being home ALL the time, working together to parent and run our house to me, flying solo for weeks or months at a time. While he is in school he will be gone about 8-10 months out of the year, but once he is done he should only be gone 6-8 months. The goal is that I can eventually quit my job and do something more heartfelt or do nothing for a while - either way works!
My point (before I decided to tell you my life story) is that this is the first time in this process that I have been actively working towards being sober. The first time he left I made it about 6 days. I am at 18 days today and feeling a bit more settled in to the do's and don'ts so I am going to be really working hard to put myself in positive situations, making thoughtful choices and putting myself and my 100 days first.
 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Going along going along (day 18)

I'm still at it!

Whine time - I am so tired of being wiped out tired all the time.  I feel like I just need to sleep all the time.  I'm not sure what the deal is with this and how long it will last, but it is making me nuts!  I feel like a lazy sloth!

The other "side effect" I am experiencing lately may or may not be related to being sober.  I have found lately that I am incredibly sore after my workouts 3x a week.  I haven't been this sore since probably a year ago when I started this gym.  I was sore from my workout Thursday and had just started really recovering just to workout hard again on Monday and Tuesday.  My legs feel like they are so stiff all the time.  I am not sure if this has to do with a physical chemistry change or if I am perhaps working out harder because I am not chronically hungover.  I mean it is good to be sore, but this is ridiculous!

I am thinking about booze a bit less these.  I feel like during the first week or two staying sober consumed me.  I was reading blogs, reading books, listening to The Bubble Hour, checking with BFB.  I am still doing a lot of those things.  Sometimes I thought that with all of the sober input I was seeking that I was afraid I wouldn't have time to do anything else.  It seemed to be my whole world.  I have noticed over the past 3 or 4 days that it has begun to subside just a bit. I am still doing these things, but not in an all consuming way.  It is nice too because I find I am not always thinking about booze and drinking or thinking about not drinking.  Sometimes I find myself just living life...just going along going along.  I am just making dinner or watching a movie with the family or reading a magazine and I realize I am not thinking about booze.  It is not constant, but it happens occasionally and it is like a little glimpse of what it could be like when I find a normal balance of dealing with this issue.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Observations

Observations while not drinking
  • I am more okay with it if I screw up.  I feel like I can make mistakes and be okay with it.  I don't feel like I have to be perfect all the time.  When I am drinking and something is messed up I wonder "is it because I am drinking/drank last night/ am hungover".
  • I can share my drinks with my kids - tonic and lemonade, pellegrino
  • My skin continues to improve.  Red splotches that I had on my face are fading.  My feet (I know weird) are healthier - less dry.
  • I care more about what I look like.  I mean I feel like I look better and I am enjoying that aspect and want it to continue.  I may take a few extra minutes on my hair or make sure I have lipstick on, shave my legs :) . I don't feel like I am being vain, just kind of checked back in to taking care of myself
  • I am still tired at weird times.  Yesterday I was exhausted from 2-5.  Today, I am fine.  Same amount of sleep, almost exactly the same food choices.  Just kind of up and down as I move through detoxing
  • I am proud of myself
  • I am scared of how this turns out
  • I am hopeful
  • I am nicer to myself - kind of goes back to the first observation.  I cut myself some slack.  I listen to my bodies needs. (NOT my occaional drink cravings)
  • I am more present.  That sounds so cliche and I think EVERYONE says it, but it is true.  I feel more connected to the good and to the bad.
  • I feel more empathetic
That is it for now.  I think I am writing these down so that I can re-read them over the weekend.  Weekends seem to be tougher for me and I need a reminder that this is a positive direction, even if I'm bored, annoyed, celebrating, tired or whatever.  It is better to be in those headspaces sober than boozing.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Surfing!

I have been reading a ton about drinking, blogs and books and the Booze Free Brigade feed.  I have also been listening to The Bubble Hour.  There is so much good information out there.  I think about how much easier it must be to get sober now with all these options.  Easy and get sober in the same sentence - yea, right! I guess what I mean to say is that we are fortunate to have so many resources available.

While I am filling my non-hungover, getting sharper by the day, sweet little brain with all kinds of info I am also realizing how scary it is.  I feel really good and really confident at Day 11, like I could really see this working out for me as far as a booze free life.  Then I read about folks that went 30 days, 11 months, 4 years (!) and started drinking again.  It scares the crap out of me.  Is there ever a time when you get to not be vigilant?  Is it ever just over?  Is it always so much work?  Is a relapse a result of it not being work anymore?  Is that what happens when we get complacent in sobriety?

So, these thoughts run through my mind... alot. I hate being afraid, but I am glad to be aware.  I've decided to treat it like surfing.  I love surfing and being on the water.  It is an amazing feeling.  With that feeling though I have to always be aware of what is around me.  Surfers can never turn their backs on the ocean.  Plus you have to be aware of the other dangers, rocks, shallow areas, critters with big giant teeth and jaws.  But even with all those challenges it is worth the risk.   Yes, it is scary.  Yes, people who have gone before me haven't always succeeded. Yes, I will get tumbled around and not know which way is up for a minute. But, when I am up and I am surfing - there is no other feeling like it in the world!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Booze Killer

I am so tired. I mean like crazy tired.  I have zero motivation to do anything.  This is not my usual state of being. After work last night I went home and pretty much lounged until I went to bed at 10.  No gym today so I slept in til 6:30.  Eight and a half hours should be enough sleep, but I seriously felt like I could just keep going. Ug. Not a fan of this part of the detox.  I mean, I am assuming this is part of the detox.  I feel lazy and just kind of tuned out.

Here is my theory.  From what I understand alcohol acts as a depressent.  When you are up drinking in the evening til 11 or 12 and then fall sleep (pass out) and suddenly wake up at 3ish with anxiety and can't sleep it is because the alcohol and its depressent effects have worn off.  So to use a car analogy (I have no idea why this is the analogy that I am choosing, but lets go with it and see how this plays out) When I drink it feeds the engine and causes my body to go from a regular idle to a higher rpm idle. It isn't apparent, I'm not buzzing around the house, I am just operating "normally" with an internal higher rpm.  This is just how my system functions with the addition of alcohol. My body is so used to "revving up"  all of the time to keep up with the booze that when the booze wears off the body is still revving - thus the 3am wake up call. Maybe I have been "revving" for so long that now that the alcohol is really getting out of my system it is like the car has been shut completely off.  I don't seem to have a normal idle anymore.

Oh - and on a totally unrelated note - Saturday night, after I went paddling and out to dinner with a close friend I was driving home.  It was about 10pm.  I was thinking how nice it was to not be worried about if the glass of wine or 2 would be enough to get me arrested for a DUI if I were to get stopped for some reason.  I could just drive and not worry.  Right about then a loud motorcycle passes me.  It was the Harley type.  The guy driving it had on the standard leather vest with the "club" name on the back.  The name? Booze Killers - established 1946.  I am not a big believer in signs, but I had to admit nothing like a Booze Killer on Harley on  a Saturday night to answer the question of whether I am doing the right thing.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Sometimes nothing is something

So, my entire family is out of town from Sunday to Wednesday this week which leaves me on my own. This easily could have been a 4 day bingefest - work be damned! I'd muscle through each day with a raging hangover, but it would all be worth it because I could drink myself in to oblivion each night.  I could fall asleep on the couch (clearly it must be more comfortable than the couch based on how many nights I end up there). I could watch crap TV.  I could make bad food choices and not care (til the next morning). I could basically just completly waste any free time I had by just having my own solo crapfood, shitty tv boozefest!  Wow. that.is.sad. SAD.  I know that I very easily could have done that BUT I didn't.  It is Tuesday, tonight is my last night solo and I have not had nor do I intend to have said boozefest.

I did however, stay home from work yesterday. I have never ever allowed myself to stay hom from work due to alcohol or a hangover. My thought was always that the pain was self-inflicted so I needed to suck it up and take care of my responsibilities. I have never missed a trail run, mountain bike day, day of work or any other obligation due to my drinking...at least not physically. I am sure mentally and/or emotionally I was far from being in attendance. But I think since I denied myself the sad, solo boozefest I felt as if I deserved something.  I  was really feeling a strong need to just be alone.  Truth be told - I was also just really, really tired.  Tired for no reason, but just literally felt exhausted mentally and physically.  I am trying to take care of myself right now and just be okay with whatever my body needs, rest, sugar, whatever.  Of course there is a balance too as I tend to err on the side of self-indulgence.  What I need to practice right now is mindful indulgence.  I need to be nice to myself.

Tonight I have nothing planned and I am looking forward to it.

Thankful to be on Day 9

Monday, July 15, 2013

Wish I could skip ahead

Last April I stopped drinking for about 3 weeks. That was the first time in many many years I had gone that long and unfortunately I haven't done it since. I remember feeling good. I don't remember why I started drinking again. I think when I stopped then I wasn't really thinking of it on a long term basis, I was just thinking I should give it a rest. Today marks 8 days sober. I made it through the weekend and I have made it through 2 days of being home all by myself. In the past time home by myself has been a good enough reason to have drinks. I wouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. This time it is a good time for me to sleep, read and heal. I am just taking time away from the world and just being. I am watching mindless tv, reading mindless crap, checking in on sober blogs and Booze Free Brigade, reading "Drinking, a Love Story" I have no desire to be social. I just feel kind of blah and tired. I am just really grateful for the solitude right now.
 I just want a quick fix, answer all the questions right, take this pill - poof your over it kind of deal. It doesn't work that way though. I only get rewarded for my sobriety 1 day at a time. I cannot earn bonus time for good behavior. I can only get to 100 days sober by being sober for 100 days. There are no shortcuts.

Cheers to another non-hungover morning tomorrow!


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Things I notice when I'm not drinking- random list
-my skin is softer. I guess when I'm drinking I must be chronically dehydrated because within a few days I notice a definite improvement
-I seem to be more tired, but it is a real kind of tired and not hungover, bleary tired
-puffiness is going away. My face looks less puffy, but even my ankles and legs look better.
-I feel like I am more aware of what is going on around me - good and bad
-I am planning things in the evenings and not just wanting to come home and veg out with cocktails
-I'm a bit bored. I didn't realize that I was bored when I was buzzed. I need to get some more hobbies
-my feelings are closer to the surface. I get happy, sad and angry quicker
-my right side "liver" or whatever it is pain is lessening 
-my eyes are clearer

Friday, July 12, 2013

I Need Space

Wow there is a lot of booze around me! 

After work last night we went boating with some friends.  Just barely get on the boat and of course the first question is "can I get you a drink?" Of course they are just being nice and they have no idea that I am not drinking right now (or maybe ever, but lets not get carried away here), but it's interesting that an alcohol offer is a sign of welcome.  I enjoyed the time on the boat.  I watched my son go tubing for the first time and just relaxed and chatted.  Everyone, but me of course, had a few beers.  Then we stopped and had dinner on the river.  I stuck with water while the rest of the folks had beer or rum drinks.  I did mention that I was avoiding alcohol as a means to drop a few pounds, but then my chicken tacos and onion rings might have blown my cover!

I am probably not being as completly honest with my hubs as I should be.  I haven't said to him each time I have stopped drinking "that's it - I am not drinking." I just kind of stop.  He notices, but it isn't really a big deal to him.  He noticed last Sunday when I made myself a boozy drink at home.  He also noticed when we were on vacation 2 weeks back that I didn't drink.  I think he still see's it as me cutting back.  Controlling it more.  In my head I know it is more than that.  This fact was made clear last night when I asked him if he brought my drink stuff.  I had asked him to bring me some lemonade and tonic water to drink while boating.  I know, weird, but I like it.  He had forgotten, but then he said all proud - "but I did bring a Mike's hard cherry lemonade" big smile.  Um. oh. right. I'll just have some water. It wasn't that big a deal that he forgot my drink, but it was interesting that he brought me booze that I didn't ask for.  This takes me to a dangerous place in mind - "well, if he doesn't think I really have a problem and actually brings me booze then maybe I'm not as bad as I thought.  I mean we do live together, he sees all the drinking I do. He would know if it was really bad".  Did you hear that noise?  It was the sound the record player makes when someone grabs the needle, drags it across the record and stops the music followed by silence.  I know, it is exactly that kind of thinking that I cannot afford right now.  The truth is he has NO IDEA what is happening in my brain when the alcohol hits it.  I don't even know what is happening.  I just know I cannot let anyone's, even my dear loving hubs, opinions determine whether I have an issue.  Right now, I have an issue.  I need some space from the booze for a while.  Easy as that.  Problem or not I need space.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Just so normal - day 4

Last night was so...normal...it was weird. I am not having any strong cravings right now.  I am really glad for that.  Maybe it helped that I cut back a fair amount in June.

Came home from work to the hubs and 1 kiddie (older kiddie is on vacay with her Grandmother). They were just hanging out dinking around the house.  We chatted a while about our day.  Talked about making dinner, made dinner, talked about walking the dogs but watched TV instead.  I feel pretty tired these days and it was nice to just veg out and watch "American Ninja Warrior" - seriously, that is what we watched (ug) I had to leave when it ended and they were going to watch America's Got Talent. I can only take so much mindless TV.  At one point I went in the kitchen and fixed myself a drink.  I had lemonade and tonic.  When I sat back down on the couch my son asked what I was drinking.  It was so nice to be able to tell him and then let him try a sip.  No scary "adult drinks" that he had to stay away from.  He liked it and decided to go make his own.  We hung out and just vegged.  I went to bed around 9:30 so I could avoid being tempted to eat or drink.  It wasn't the best of all nights, but considering we were out til 10 the night before paddleboarding and having dinner and we will be out boating late tonight, I will take a mindless night of TV. 

I have been fighting a low grade headache, fatigue, bloating and occasional dizziness since about Tuesday afternoon.  I am sure it is all due to not pumping my body full of alcohol.  It's weird, but I kind of feel like it's a good thing.  I feel like if my body is reacting then I am forcing a change.  It's like working out.  If you are sore then you have done something different.  Maybe that's what it is.  I am sore from saying No!

My hubs and kiddie are leaving Sunday for 4 days.  While I will miss them, I am looking forward to some alone time.  I haven't really gone in to depth with my hubs about the physical withdrawing so it might be nice to just get through some of it and have my own space to deal with it.  Assuming that I continue on this path they will be gone from Sober Day 7 - Sober Day 10.  I rarely get any alone time so I am looking forward to watching movies I pick out and having popcorn for dinner!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Little messages

Just a quick check in - I got to be the designated driver tonight at a birthday dinner! After dinner when I took the keys from my hubs my boy asked me what I had to drink. I told him I had a cranberry tonic. He said "does that have alcohol in it?" I was proud to say no. It was like a little but of a nod - like yes, this is the right track. 

The Neverending Story (Day 2)

I am tired of all of this already.  I am tired of thinking about drinking.  I am tired of drinking. I am tired of not drinking.  I am tired of it being an issue.   I don't want to want to drink.  I don't want to wonder if I have a drink "is this a normal drinking pattern?"  I don't want to wonder if I would be thinner, fitter, faster, more focused, more tuned in and just overall better if I don't drink.   It's annoying. I just want to live my life.  Just regular life living going on here.  No preoccupation with addictive habits.  Just going along whistling a tune.  But the fact seems to be that I can't.  I don't think I can drink "normally".  I really don't.  So, I think the easiest thing to do is to not drink at all.  Because sure, that is totes easy.  Just ask anyone who has gone through it.  You just wake up one day and stop drinking, close that chapter of your life and move forward.  Whew!  That was a crazy, wild read, but I am through with that book - what's next on the reading list?

I think this annoyed and fed up mindset that I have is interesting.  It really takes away my desire to drink (for now - who knows how long this will last).  Right now I see myself just saying "no thanks" and moving on.  No more dealing with the mental crap.  The answer is just "No, it's not for me right now."  There is kind of a relief in it.

I have been thinking about talking to my hubs more about it.  I told him a few weeks ago that I was wanting to stop, but it was kind of nebulous, kind of "I think I am doing this too much, I am just going to cut it back.  I want to be more fit and healthy."  In order to get the support I need I should probably tell him that for now I am just going to cut it out of my life.  Just say no to the booze.  I also need to tell him that I am going to/already am experiencing withdrawal symptons such as fatigue, moodiness and INSANE SUGAR CRAVINGS.  They probably aren't as bad as they could have been since I have been cutting back over the past few weeks, but they are still there.  My emotional state is a bit fragile and I just need to take it easy.  Yes, that is the discussion I need to have.  Now, where did I put that Courage Book?

Monday, July 8, 2013

I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It's just math really.

Since I started cutting way back on my drinking I have had

6/22 one mixed tonic drink - lets say 250 cals
6/29 2 beers and almost one bottle of wine - lets say 1100 cals
6/30 1 white russian - probably 300 cals

Since 6/17 I have consumed 1650 calories in alcohol.  I figure at the rate I was drinking prior to cutting back I would have consumed an average of 2 drinks per night and lets say take maybe 1 night off per week.  That would come to 4200 cals + all the crap I would decide to eat while having my drinks AND the hangover food the next morning...if I could eat at all.  It probably would add up to an extra 10,000 cals.  During the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been doing great with my workouts.  Hitting my class 3 times a week plus 1 or 2 other workouts, from mountain biking to SUP.  It is pretty clear by just the numbers alone that I have to make a choice.  At this rate I should be able to drop a pound or two a week without making any other big changes other than removing alcohol.  It is clear - if I want to live a healthy lifestyle - meaning being fit and strong and putting food in my body that improves it then I cannot drink the way I was previously.  The two lifestyle choices do not work together. 

So, there it is - a non-emotional, black and white, cut and dry look at what the numbers mean.  My brain may be able to lie to itself, but the numbers don't lie. 


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

A little experiment

It's been a few days and a few drinks since my last post.  Yep, I said it a few drinks.  I made it to 7 days and then got too comfortable I guess.  We spent the day at the beach Saturday and I ended up having two beers while I was there.  Well, since I had already blown my non-drinking streak later that night I killed (okay except for about 1/2 of a glass) a bottle of red wine.  I have to admit, it was a nice buzz.  It was mellow, nothing crazy, no blackouts, no arguements, just a Saturday night on a family vacation with a buzz.  Seems so normal.  I also had a drink on Sunday.  I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and also grabbed some Kahlua and Vodka.  I made one drink on Sunday night.  I enjoyed it.  It is like dessert.  I didn't really want another one.  I mean I could have had one, but I didn't have a strong tug to have one.  I just enjoyed what I had like one might enjoy a bowl of ice cream in the evening...right, just like ice cream...I don't think so...

I guess this brings me to my next step.  I am thinking maybe about moderation.  I feel like lately I am obsessed with drinking/not drinking/alcoholics and any info pertaining to those topics.  It is taking over and I feel like it is causing me to hyper focus on the issue.  I am going to try to let it go a bit and just for the most part not drink.  I will allow an occasional drink on maybe 1 or 2 evenings or maybe a drink out with friends, but I just want to stop dwelling on it all the time and see if I can find a normal headspace about it.   I understand it could be a big mistake, but it is one I am willing to make right now. 

I will treat it like eating healthy.  If I do it correctly 90% of the time then I am okay with it.  I know when I am making a healthy choice and when I am not.  I just have to stay connected to the side of my brain that recognizes when the choice isn't healthy.  I have to tune out the other side.  Plus, when I am eating right and only occasionally drinking I tend to lose weight.  Hopefully my vanity will pipe up too and tip the scale in favor of healthy choices.

So, that's where I am right now.  I am not saying no to alcohol.  I am saying yes to healthy living (and crossing my fingers!)

Friday, June 28, 2013

Too bad I didn't drink last night said no one ever

I didn't drink last night. I thought I might succumb to the red wine I brought on vacation "just in case". Just in case of what exactly?? Some crazy emergency that can only be solved with a good merlot? I have one fucked up thought process. If my goal is to not drink then why bring wine? I have no answer.

Last night my hubs and I sat with the kids and played UNO and Bananagrams for a couple of hours. It was really nice to enjoy the family time without alcohol. It's weird, when I imagine my upcoming evening I always think that regardless of what we have planned it'll be a bit more fun with a buzz. As I sit here on the other side of the evening, having not had any booze I am thankful that I chose not to drink. I am never sorry that I didn't drink. I never think " Man, that was fun, but it could have been so much better if I was drunk and didn't remember half of it! i sure wish i had a mild alcohol related headache right now." Yep, nope I never think that.

Today is Day 6. I am still kicking around the question of how severe my problem really is. I know this is dangerous territory, but I also think it is normal. At this point I don't know if I will never drink again, I just know I will try not to drink today.

Oh and the disturbing pain under my rib cage on the right side has improved. Still there a bit, but improved. I'm guessing that is a liver issue. Awesome.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Vacation challenge

It is Day 5 of not drinking and Day 1 of our long weekend mini vacay. I have spent so many summer evenings here in a nicely buzzed state. We sit on the porch, watch the sun set let the children run and play and build a strong buzz.  Good times.  I stood in the booze aisle of the store going back and forth on whether I should by drink ingredients. Literally a witness to the two sides of my brain going back and forth. So nice that I can entertain myself with an internal argument. In the end my stingy side tipped the scales in favor of no booze. Since I'd have to buy vodka and kahlua it would be about $35. I guess in the end it is whatever it takes to make it.  I do have a bottle if red wine that I brought from home. Not sure why I decided to that. I enjoy wine, but I really don't drink it much. I'm still not sure whether I'll drink or not. I'd like to think I won't, but...I really don't know at this point. Right now I am guzzling a quart of water and just trying to ride out this wave of - "Fuck it, I'm on vacation" mentality.  Vacation is much harder than being home...

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

Monday, June 24, 2013

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

No, no, no, no, well, maybe just one

Dang it! Had a drink Saturday night. I say that like it was an accident, like oops! oh crap, I totally forgot I wasn't drinking right now. No, I remembered, it was pretty front and center all damn day! I had passed on having a beer earlier in the day at lunch and then again later when my hubs and I stopped into a bar while walking around Seattle. We don't usually drink so much, but we were on a mini-anniversary vacation. ANYWAY, by the time we went out for dinner I guess I was tired of saying No. Okay, taking a slight detour here - bear with me - 

On Friday night I told my hubs I was going to cut back on my drinking. I told him I want to be healthier and drinking isn't helping. He understood, but I don't think he realizes the mental aspect of it. He suggested I just don't buy it. I could have a drink out here and there, but don't have it in the house. Ahhh seems so simple. He is supportive, but I need to be diligent for my own sake as he isn't quite aware of the extent of it.

So, back to Saturday, I've been saying no for 2 days. I just wanted to celebrate. My brain still equates drinking with celebrating. Hubs said "order a special drink, I'll drive" I hemmed and hawed, but I ended up ordering some fancy gin, thyme, ginger beer conction. It was good and fancy. But here's where it gets scary- one drink and BAM! I'm figuring out where we should go get our next drink. I am ready to get the party started! Fortunately, it didn't work out for us to head off to a bar or club. We had some ice cream, watched the sunset, and walked around and then headed home. 

It was a real eye opener just getting to have one drink. It took my mind off of spending a nice anniversary evening with my hubs and straight in to how to get more booze. Very intersting.

Long drive home from Seattle today so I am too beat to even think about drinking. Plus still no vodka in the house. Good job Thursday and Friday Erin not "stopping at the store".

Onward I go. Lets see what happens tomorrow.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

New experiences

Faced a new challenge yesterday. I flew to see my husband. Usually travel is the perfect excuse to drink. The anonymity and transience of the airport allows me the freedom to get met drink on. Plus in most cases I don't have to drive on the other end. I am happy to say I made it through. I bought the new Vanity Fair magazine (Hello Channing!), some Reese's Peanut Butter cups, put my music on and hunkered down. I had built up in my brain what a challenge this would be, but it turns out it wasn't too bad.  Of course, my hubs suggestion that we go have a beer once I landed kind of threw me. I hemmed and hawed in the bar. Hmmm... Just one? That's normal right? That would be okay. Then I thought - why? I didn't have a good answer for that. I ordered a cranberry and tonic and all was fine. I even got to drive my hubs home - now that's a role reversal!!!

Friday, June 21, 2013

Cupcakes, Sushi and Sarcasm

Damn good thing I was out of vodka at the house last night!  I sure hope that these early days are harder then the later days.  Day 1 was okay, Day 2 between 6-8pm was a bit of a nail biter.  It was such a weird, almost out of body experience. 

So, here's the fascinating recap of my evening.  I know - you thought I'd never get to it, but I had to let the excitement build.  Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, English is my second language - Sarcasm being my first.  Yep, so, here goes.  I spent all day with an achey neck, headache and just feeling like maybe I was coming down with something.  It didn't help that I didn't have my first cup of coffee until 11am.  After work I gathered the children from their various summer hang outs and headed home.  I was so tired I just couldn't handle it.  I should have been making dinner, straightening the house, packing for my weekend away and maybe a few hundred other things, (PLUS, I had been kind of thinking of a drink. I know! wtf?  it had only been 1 day)  but all I could was think about sleeping, so I did.  I took a nap for about an hour.  It was weird, don't get me wrong,  I am used to passing out on the couch, but not sober in the early evening.  When I got up I decided I wasn't cooking dinner.  My oldest asked for sushi for and my youngest would live on mac and cheese if he could - so I took the easy way and ran out to get both.  Aha! My opportunity to remedy this whole problem of not having vodka at home.  I can't tell you how many times I have needed to "stop at the store" to pick up something and "oh, while I was there I remembered we were out of vodka (again) so I went ahead got that too." I got the sushi and the macaroni and cheese and came home.  Okay, I got a 4 pack of cupcakes too, but seriously, I am not beating myself up about that right now.

It seems as though I rarely win the battle at the store in regards to whether I should restock the booze or not. I KNOW if I don't have it I won't drink it, but it is seriously an arguement going on in my brain. Sometimes the one side is sneaky "you should just buy it so you have it, you don't have to drink it tonight, just restock the liquor cabinet" and I fall for it and of course and 99% of the time end up having a drink or two that night. Damn! So, last night I resisted, I white-knuckled, I just said no, I focused. Whatever I did, I didn't buy the booze and guess what? I survived an evening with our liquor cabinet being understocked. I know - who'd a thunk it? I feel good about it today, proud even. I also feel like maybe right now it is willpower more than anything and if I exercise my willpower it will get stronger. I need to look at last night as an example, and hopefully there will be other nights to use as examples as well. I need to remind myself that making the decision to not drink will yield positive results.

I have recognized for a while that my drinking is not normal.  I CAN drink socially and normally.  I do not get drunk everytime, or even most times really.  It's just that in addition to social/group settings I also drink at home in the evenings sometimes by myself, sometimes with my husband.  I know it and have made attempts in the past to modify it.  I would just like to stop for now and feel my life without the booze in it.

This is a much longer post and a lot more "diary-like" than I anticipated.  I just thought I'd type up a few witty quips about not drinking last night and how awesome I am feeling about it and hit Post.  This would totally impress the imaginary readers in my mind. However, it seems the more I type the more I am looking inward and the more I realize it is pretty fucking deep and dark in there.  I will keep posting and keep looking inward and see what happens.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Let it be

So, last night was fine.  I had a family get-together at my house for my daughter's 15th birthday.   My mother-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law and nephew all drank.  Just one beer or one mixed drink each.  I didn't feel any desire though.  Of course, as I have mentioned, no vodka in the house makes it a zillion times easier for me to not drink.  I think that is such a weird thing for me.  I was looking last night and we literally must have gallons of rum, but I have no desier to drink it.  We do have some nice red wine too, but meh, no biggie.  Interesting how picky I am about this. 

So....as I said last night was fine.  Had an extra piece of cake :) making up for a lack of sugar maybe? Whatev, I am not beating myself up about that right now.  I am going to give myself a week of just letting my eating be what it needs to be.  After that I will start to reel it back in to better eating habits.  I had a little trouble sleeping.  Seems weird.  I read that alcohol is a sedative, but your body gets used to the sedative so it kind of goes in to overdrive in the absence of alcohol.  Not sure if this was the case, but it was surprising to have trouble sleeping. 

Fighting a headache today, but I think that is from not having coffee until 11am rather than lack of alcohol, or maybe its both.  It was interesting when my alarm when off this morning and it was time for my workout class.  I usually lay in bed, hungover and think "hell no, I do not want to go get my ass kicked".  It is a really brutal class.  I didn't have that same thought this morning though.  It just seemed fine, like just another thing on my to-do list. I didn't dread it or have to convince myself to go.

Well my noontime optimistic self sees another good, but busy night on tap.  No reason to add alcohol to the mix.  Tomorrow is going to be tougher as I leave to fly up to see my husband for our anniversary (he is out of town going to school).  Well, isn't he lucky, he just got himself a designated driver :)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Fits and Starts

Well, I am now out of vodka at the house.  Since I really seem to limit my drinking to one type of drink (white russian anyone?) I am feeling more optimistic about my chances.  But it isn't really about chances is it?  It's about knowledge, strength, exploration, acceptance, resolve and myriad other traits and feelings.

I am starting to also feel sad about all of this.  I hate that this is an issue. I hate how much time I feel like I am wasting thinking, worrying, regretting and recovering.  I feel kind of lost . I usually feel like I am not that bad but regardless of how bad I need to make a change.  I don't want to obsess over this.  I am too busy for this shit.

So....that being said, my wedding anniversary is Saturday.  I haven't seen my husband in almost 3 weeks.  I get to fly up to meet him on Friday, spend Saturday with him and then we drive home together Sunday.  Ordinarily this would be a booze fest for me.  Most times when I fly, I feel like I have a free pass.  I am usually not going to have to drive when I get to where I am going, plus since everyone is in a transitory state it isn't weird to be sitting in an airport bar by yourself having a drink, in fact it seems quite normal.  The thing is something in me doesn't feel it this time. I am not sure what it is, but it just doesn't hold any appeal.  Of course 11 am in the morning me is very different from 5pm or 9pm me.  If the mindset and willpower I have in the morning stuck around with me all day I'd be fucking golden.

I feel sad about all of this right now. Tired, sad and just done.  I just want it to stop.  

Monday, June 17, 2013

Day 1, Take 2

Wow.  1 day.  I made it 1 day last week.  Pretty sad.  I feel like I drank a lot this weekend too.  I had 2 white russians on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night each.  I swear, my liver is aching today.  I am all full of remorse and woe now too, as usual. 

I have been reading blogs about other womens journeys and I think I may have lulled myself in to a sense of feeling like mabye I am not so bad... here is my screwed up reasoning:  I can have all kinds of alcohol in the house and not feel the  need to drink it.  We currently have wine, rum, tequila, beer, whiskey, you name it and I probably won't drink it.  If I am out of my drink ingredients of choice (vodka and kahlua for a white russian) then chances are about 98% that I will not have a drink.  Oh, if we are out of milk I will also not have a drink as that is the 3rd ingredient.  Sad sidenote:  I have actually told my son to not drink milk after dinner because I knew if he poured himself a big glass that there would not be enough left for me to make my drink.  So, CLEARLY my alcohol issue is not that bad, right??? sure. right. keep on convincing yourself. 

So, I will start again today.  I will somehow try to keep the willpower I have now steamrolling in to this evening.  All I can do is keep trying, I will figure this out.  I just need to keep turning the mirror inward.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Planning ahead

So, I made it through yesterday without drinking.  Actually, I was so tired from my daughter's party the night before that it really didn't seem like any big deal to not drink.  Sometimes it is like that.  Sometimes I am not in the mood, of course these "sometimes" moments are few and far between.  I think that it is these moments that have tricked me in to thinking that maybe my drinking pattern is more normal than I think.  I mean if I don't drink every night and I don't get drunk every night then I must be normal, right.  Oh wait, the fact that I even think about my drinking patterns this much - or that I actually have "drinking patterns", well, that kind of says it all right there.

I have had days where I start to feel like crap at work - getting a cold or overtired or whatever.  All day at work all I can think of is that I am just going to go home, tell the fam I don't feel well and then go lay down.  Oh that'll be so nice, but then I think "WAIT! If I go home and announce that I don't feel well and go lay down then I won't be able to get up later and have a drink, better fake feeling better just in case I want to drink."  What??? What did I just say, did I really type that? Dear Lord I did and worse - it has happened on more than one occasion.  Who the hell fakes feeling better so the option of booze is in the picture later??  Oh right, me. 

These are the things I need to start to reconcile with myself.  These are the things that if I stop and review make really realize that my drinking is not normal.  These are the things that I push to the back of my mind at 6pm when I am making my first drink.  The voice in my head that says it is normal to have a drink after work is much louder than the one in my head that says it is not normal to start thinking about that drink while at work.

So, here's to a sober Friday night.  White knuckling it all the way baby!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I have to stop now.

I have to stop now. I am really good at excusing my behavior. I can rationalize the shit out anything.   I have to stop drinking now. 

I know I have a problem.  I have not had a DUI or any other "rock-bottom" moment.  Maybe if something like that actually happened then it would be enough of a wakeup for me.  I just know in my heart that I am struggling and just drinking too much.  I would describe my drinking pattern as highly functioning, secretive, smart (as in don't do anything I can get arrested for smart, not this is the best thing for my mind, body and spirit smart). I have probably 1-2 mixed drinks (pint sized glass, heavy on the vodka) about 5 nights a week.  I get annoyed when I have to pick my kids up from friends houses later in the evening because it means I can't take my time to "relax".  "Relax" is code in my mind for "get buzzed".

I have an almost constant nagging dull ache in my upper right side, just below my ribs.  I am afraid that I am damaging my liver.  Shit! I would think that would be enough to make me stop drinking -and it is - until about 6pm each night.  That is when I begin the battle of "should I or shouldn't I?" Well, duh, idiot, of course you shouldn't.  Remember that pain you felt all day and worried about all day?  Yeah, well, maybe you should stop drinking and see if it goes away.  Maybe that'd be a really fucking good idea.  Yes, it is a great idea.  I'll just finish off this bottle of vodka so I no longer have it in the house to tempt me and then I will get on with implementing that great idea I came up with. 

Maybe I should go to a meeting.  Oh, but I don't have time for a meeting.  I don't have time to show up somewhere a bunch of days every week and discuss my issues.  What I do have time for is to check out each evening and not much done around the house...yes, clearly I don't have time for taking care of myself as I am too busy not taking care of myself.

So, what is the answer?  Well, I guess it helps to know exactly what the question is.  Why do I drink? Why don't I just stop?  What does my life look like without alcohol?  Will it be better? Worse? What if I try and fail?  I don't know yet, but I feel like it is going to take finding the answer to those questions and probably a bunch of others in order to make a healthy commitment to myself. Even though it isn't the 1st of the month, the 1st of the week or some other arbitrarily choosen appropriate start date, I will just make this simple commitment and I will not drink today.